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(Note from Master Aeros Wraithe) This blog is a summation of my kajira’s Homecoming. It expresses herself in a very private and intimate way. It also tells of an email account I had yet  no longer use, nor have used for quite some time now. The reason for the disuse of that particular account? My dina. And it is my dina that has My physical collar that she wears daily. And for this Gorean Male, only one kajira is all that I need and desire. And aye, I adore and cherish her as a love kajira always ought to be.

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Well yes, I have been avoiding putting how I felt about that week into words. All except the general stuff anyway. I have been wanting – needing to write it for a while, yet it feels so intensely private I have gotten tongue tied about saying things even to my Master – which sort of is the reason I am writing it out lol. I may struggle sometimes to post what I write, but it is rare for me to struggle writing it in the first place!

Oh,  and to explain to you all, there was a slight ‘natural’ complication thanks to the ash cloud delay… when I flew I was halfway through a monthly period. Bloody marvelous eh? Literally.  

Hmm. procrastinating again aren’t I?

Okay.

Going to the airport and the flights.

Well, I hardly slept the night before, I was excited, nervous, and anxious… everything that I know any normal, sane person in the same position would be feeling. I got up at 5am, well; I should say I decided to turn the alarm clock off before it went off. By 6am when my lift turned up I had drunk two coffees, got dressed, had a smoke and was anxious to get off!  The flights… well, as the plane left the runway in the UK I cried. I surprised myself; I do not know where those tears came from, yet as the plane left the runway, I couldn’t stay them. Landing in Philadelphia and swapping planes was hard, I had done half of the journey, I had landed in the US and the humidity was like walking into a wall of steam; and I was very anxious for the journey to end. 15 hr flights are tolerable as I discovered…  I started to cry again as the plane touched down in Denver also.  Yes Master, I know I had not told you that yet, but although the planes were delayed at both airports, I did have to spend a few moments pulling myself together and staying those damn tears before walking to where you were waiting.

Going from the airport and that first night.

I had only just pulled myself together and started walking again when I saw Master waiting for me. Funny how I knew exactly where to look for him, *smiles* it was a homecoming in every sense of the word. to feel his arms around me that first time in the airport; that first embrace… any remaining doubts and fears that existed disappeared for me in that single moment. it was hard to not touch, be in physical contact my Master in some way for even a second, and I don’t mean that in any sexual way at all; just from the moment he hugged me inside that airport to not to be in contact with him in some way felt like…it felt like he was the stabilizing force in my world and without that contact I was spinning out of control – my vision shook.

We had a smoke while we waited for the bus outside and once on it Master headed for the back seats, which made me smile… it’s a long time since I sat on the back seat of a bus… but it sure was worth it being on that dark back seat hidden from everyone else! Master kept teasing me constantly on that journey and I kept teasing him, I do not think that it is possible for there to be winners or losers in love, but if one of us had the upper hand in making the other squirm; I would say my Master won without question! It was a very delightful and erotic experience to be tentatively exploring my Masters body on that journey knowing it was public so it had to be hidden, we had to keep our need somewhat in check, yet feeling my Masters need so clearly and intimately beneath his clothes and that I was the cause.

 At one point, one of the buses was very warm and full – I was glad to get off that one as I felt so sick with the heat, but eventually we got back to Master’s apartment. One of the special memories of that bus though was being nestled in my Masters arms and feeling so protected and sheltered from everything.
 

At the apartment what should have been the time for nerves and awkwardness, for me was not. As my Master pointed out to me at the time, I was exhausted (28 hrs straight tend to do that) and I do not know if that shut down those nerves. Regardless, those moments we shared before sleep were breathtaking and perfect. To be able to touch my Masters body, kiss him and kneel at his feet was a very precious moment. To feel his hand wrapped deep in my hair as my tongue and lips explored and tasted my Master; to close my eyes, feel so loved and desired, aroused and exposed, needy , needed and exceedingly owned.  It is somewhat beyond words to try to put exactly how I felt about that intimate act. It feels almost like to be precise would be trivializing or debasing it.  All I can say is that first physically private moment with my Master felt so natural, so right, so …binding. I use binding for a reason; that is what it felt like; the physical melding and re-binding together of some part of our souls for the first time in this lifetime.  

 Master said I had to sleep afterwards, that it had been a long day for both of us…. yet during the night, I am unsure just how much either of us slept. It felt so right to be in his arms, it felt like I had finally come home and during that first night when we should have been sleeping, we made love twice, both times spontaneous in need for each other, both times Master taking and claiming my ass.

 If I were writing this for my eyes alone, I would describe how perfect my Master felt in my ass, how no Man could ever compare to him in my eyes in all ways, but in particular sexually how totally perfect he felt within my body. How to feel him entering my ass, feel him  stretching me, filling me… to feel his raw passion without control and to feel that in such an intensely sensitive place.. How my Master sent me to heaven wrapped in his arms so many times, to feel those orgasms rise within me over again and not be able to stay them. How the next day and the day after, my ass felt very bruised and sore yet that only aroused me more, knowing his passion and need of me was the cause. Moreover, in knowing that my own feral need and hunger for him was matched in every way.

 The next day, waking up in my Masters arms, gazing into his eyes and seeing my soul mate and twin flame laid aside me as I awoke was bliss. Every morning being able to watch him as he dozed and let my eyes drink in every line and hard contour of his stunning body, the shape of his jaw line, the flow of his lips, his expressive and gorgeous eyes was a pleasure beyond words.

 A few random magical moments in time.

*smiles* I know if I cannot get the next few bits in order so I am not going to try. I don’t have total recall on many things; I don’t have a photographic memory like one of my friends who annoys me with it on a regular basis! Nevertheless.

 Being sat relaxing on my Master’s kitchen floor listening to music and curled up against his legs as he stroked my hair.

 Feeling my Master behind me and his arms wrapped around my waist as I made coffee those many times.

 Feeling his body close to mine on the balcony when we had a smoke

Listening to music and singing along without being self-conscious that someone other than blood kin was there.

 Being in the shower with my Master and nearly flooding the bathroom (…oops lol) then being told to get in on my own every time afterwards so it did not happen again (…sulks)

 Curled up at my Master feet those many times as we watched TV, feeling his hands in my hair…then the hairbrush! It was such a simple act yet so relaxing and comforting.

 Taking a walk around the park and seeing cherry blossom, the smells of the pines and the lilac that was blooming along with the cherry blossom was wonderful.

 Master picking some of the blossoms and putting it in my phone book so it came home with me .

 That tree trunk…   

 Messing about with a camera (and webcam….)

 Attempting to not call baseball “rounders”.

 Attempting to understand the rules of baseball, or the unique culture it has (warning – culture shock overload)…

 Being laughed at and told off for saying I didn’t need sun screen, after finding out I got sun burnt through jeans – and that was the minor patch, the others were much worse…

 Those bloody big mountains… did I mention the mountains? They were huge! And everywhere… pesky things… and big… bloody big… have I mentioned them? The mountains that is?

 That huge blush on Master when my mum said, “well, everything’s big in America dear” and I agreed quite openly without any hesitation, thereby twisting the meaning…

 The two most precious moments to me.

It was all special and all precious, every single moment I was with my Master felt like an affirmation, a remembrance of who we were to each other.  It is hard to think of one part that was more special than the rest, but two moments are unique and rise above everything else. Two moments that not only defined  and affirmed for me who I am, but also were breathtakingly magical, special and have the same … I am lost for words………… As a mum, the first time I held my boys was a moment filled with immense unconditional love, happiness and joy; a moment that is etched on my heart, soul and mind indelibly for the rest of my life. That is how I feel about these two moments.

 1.    Making love fully that first time.

Master has said something a few times now to me about what he felt himself to be before I came and what he feels now… that before I came he was an inexperienced lover and now he is experienced. I don’t agree at all. Some things, especially that, either comes naturally or has to be learned and I do not think what Master says has any relevance. I say this not out of lack of respect, but because I feel it in my heart and I hope I can explain why I feel that here.

I have slept with many men in my past. I didn’t think I would ever be ashamed to say that until now. Now I have spent that time with my Master. He is the one I was born for, was meant for, was meant to belong to in all ways and now I find that in some ways I regret my past because I feel unclean because of it. I didn’t until that week, but I do now. Anyway.

To take that time to explore and tease, to leave fully making love for a few days had me craving and to the point of begging for my Master to take that last place. Then Master taking his time and being able to explore each other before feeling my Master  slide into my cove… to feel him fit so perfectly in every single way inside me, to feel my Master take his time, his body fitting flawlessly against mine, to feel his hard masculine body against my soft one. And no, it wasn’t the making love of an inexperienced lover, it was a Man who intuitively knew my body, knew my responses… knew my soul. It was not awkward, as I know oftentimes it is for that first occasion, Master didn’t feel unnatural there, as I have felt on occasions before with others. It felt to me as if his body was meant to fit so naturally to mine.

I don’t know if it was all of the above or that it felt like time had stopped for that act of union. Never in my life has that act felt so spiritual, so earth shattering. It felt like my soul was soaring high above me, as if our souls had finally become whole again, rejoined. I felt clearly my Master soul wrap around mine, wrap around my body and I didn’t want it to end; yet when it did it had lasted no more nor no less than it needed to for both of us. 

Some time after, when we were outside having a smoke, I felt so shaky, as if my world had tilted on its axis. Yet I could feel his soul encompassing mine. It felt like I was cocooned inside and out by my Master and if I still my thoughts even today, I can still feel that cocoon as strong and as clearly as then.

2.     Master’s collar.

Over and over again that week I could not deny my urge to kneel or sit at my Masters feet. I think the shock and realization of how deeply I felt for my Master even though it was the first week we had spent physically together is still affecting me now. I could do no less than kneel to him unbidden the many times I did, the urge and compulsion to do so I cannot describe. I am certain though that other kajirae out there will know that feeling well. It sits in the pit of your belly… maybe it is part of the slave fire within me, maybe it is that itself. A long time ago I knelt to another, I can say now it was nothing like what I feel kneeling at my Masters feet. That was out of duty, of proper conduct, and good behaviour. None of those I could give as reasons for me kneeling to my Masters feet. I kneel there because I have a compulsion to, I have an innate need that I cannot help but obey. Yes, if he told me to kneel I would without hesitation, that is a given.

I was knelt at my Master’s feet as he stood in front of me; I was cuddled close to his body and yes, very quiet. It is hard to speak when you feel love for a person so keenly that it overwhelms you. Master told me to stay where I was and went out of the room, when he came back he was holding a silver necklace with a silver padlock attached to it. When he attached it to my neck, I cannot describe how I felt – how I still feel every evening when I reattach that padlock to the necklace and feel its weight. To look into my Masters eyes knowing that I was owned fully by him and he felt me worthy of wearing his collar; not one of those Velcro online collars that are tantamount to a bit of harmless fun or escapism, but His collar, very real and tangible and filled with the promises our souls made lifetimes ago.

After when he was sat in his chair and he was asking me what I felt, all I could say was that I was scared, yet blissfully happy. Happy because the view from where I was knelt was almost exact to the dream I have had so many times of that moment. Happy because of what was implied within that act; within me wearing his collar. Happy because I know and see and feel my Master’s integrity, honesty and strength of character so clearly, that I know in my heart and soul that the symbol of that collar contained a vow on both our parts. 

Scared because the weight of all that hit me at once.  I am still scared to a certain extent. It is one vow and promise I could never break and the uncertainty I feel when I think of how the next 12 – 18 months will pan out – and I cannot see how it could happen…. and that is what scares me. I make a decision at work and I immediately plan out how to get from point A to B.  It is not my place to do that in this relationship and that frightens me as I don’t know what is to come – I cannot see an end.

The letter

Master wrote a letter to me and allowed me to read it while I was there on his computer. I feel like the whole week was one revelation after another, it seemed just when my emotions steadied from one revelation, another one crept up and smacked me from behind. Rebirth was a very apt word for that week, Master. I am no longer the person I was, I am the person he want me to be, I am who I am.  The letter shook me. Reading it and seeing my own heart in those words, words my own soul has been crying out into the night for so long. I could not speak, I could not even cry…

 Master held me for a long time afterwards, cuddled close and reassuring me, stroking my hair and murmuring in my ear. I needed that.  I needed that contact with him; I needed it as a drowning man needs a rock to cling to. The defining words for me that Master spoke on so many occasions while I was there were “the only place you have to hide is in my arms”. It is true; and now I miss those arms so much it sometimes feels unbearable.

Master wrote it out by hand before I flew and yes, he added a postscript. The postscript had me in tears almost all the way to Philadelphia . Now, I read that letter every night. I know I have a new ritual to be done every evening… That letter answers the question I have to contemplate and I don’t say that as a cop out to not contemplating the question, but because it affirms the answer every time. 

The noticed change.

I have had a stressful past three weeks with events at home, this last week being distressing to extremes, but the changes in me have been noticed by others, mainly that I am calmer, happier and that I appear to have a light within me that radiates to all around me. One astute work colleague said “You’re in Love. I can tell. So… when you two getting married?” I laughed and allegedly blushed, to which she took it as an affirmative and pranced around the office like the deranged mental patient we all love and know her to be. At the same time I was cringing because she told EVERYBODY who was there that I was “in lurve with a sexy American” before sitting back down at the side of me, straightening her face and saying “so, I take it he is good in bed then, hmm?”

 The main change I have noticed was a lot more subtle and one I don’t want to write about, yet know I need to.  Three/four days ago I went onto my yahoo profile. I needed to alter some things there and as usual on the right hand side, my connections were shown. The Kurrus alias was there within the first few and it caught my eye. For the first time since before Christmas I clicked on it to take me to the profile page. There, lined up were the connections associated with that “person” and it stunned me to feel nothing in that regard. I avoid seeing that profile page – and name, like the plague. In the past to see that name upset me, let alone to see those connections, no matter how many times I told myself not to be so stupid.  Yet to see it a few days ago and feel nothing was a shock to me. To see those connections and to click on one to jump to another’s profile page – and still not feel anything….

 I am still trying to get my head around that change, but I do know it is since that week. From what I feel about it right now as I try to work it through, is that I don’t care anymore – I am not them; my Master’s relationship with me has progressed beyond online in every sense and promises have been made that if kept, means our relationship will be r/l 24/7 in the future.  I am not a loner, although I like my own company. I have a lot of family surrounding me and a few close friends whom I am blessed with. I have two boys to keep my hands full on a fairly regular basis. I speak to two other female slaves online and then there is my Master, for whom everything stops!  I don’t need distractions, I have too many. Yet I know my Master is an almost opposite from me in this regard.  I cannot really understand what it is that has changed, yet I couldn’t care less if he had 300 online kajirae, or 3. I know my Master and I love him… Offline. I know that the Man I speak to online is the same wonderful, sexy dominant beast of a Man that I spent a first week with. I know that I am the only one who sees his soul. I know I am the only one who knows him intimately in every sense.  I have nothing to be upset about… and that is where my fears also come in.  I don’t understand why it no longer upsets me to see that name on my profile or to see that profile or the others linked to it. I don’t understand.

Then everything else falls around me, in the bleak moments when I doubt everything and as Master says – I don’t feel worthy of his love. Master has dealt with so much that any lesser man would have walked away from, yet he hasn’t. I am humbled by his love and I cannot help but love him with all that I am – another fear! I have never loved this deeply, this keenly, to this breadth. It frightens me when I know there is nothing to be frightened of. I am learning to shake those fears away better now. It gets easier each time to make myself remember that it is only a fear of the unknown, which is transient and nothing more.

 Only one fear I cannot shake no matter how hard I try.

The fear of losing my Master.