Mistakes and Reflections

This is the first of several posts Master has given me to write. I have so much going off in my head right now that I want to post, yet I know if I do not start to write these, they will never get done.

To be honest, I have made so many mistakes in my life I don’t know where to start. Having said that, if it were not for those mistakes, I would not be the person I am today. “No Regrets” is a motto I live by and have always lived by. Those words will become important as I write this post.

 So, do I list all the mistakes I have made since my teen years? Do I list the recent ones? Do I list the ones since Master came into my life?… I don’t know.  I seem to have spent an awful long time reading old posts of mine while I have been thinking of this essay. three essays have stuck out at me, 1. What my Heart says. (1)  2. What my Head says. (2) 3. A kajira and her changes (1)  What I have done below is list three mistakes i have made and my reflections on them. They are not specifics, if i were to list specifics we would be here for a few months just writing out this year alone. What is below are the big attitude mistakes and I hope you forgive me for their generalisation.

 xxx

Mistake - I think my biggest mistake was staying with my ex for so long, for too many years past when I knew it was time to end it. So many wasted years are laid there in the past with a male that has no integrity, no honour and no sense of responsibility or love for anyone other than himself.

Reflection – No regrets. I knew before I became pregnant with my eldest that I needed to get out of the relationship, yet I stayed because of fear of the unknown. I have two beautiful handsome boys whom I would give my life for. Two boys whom I see growing each day and over almost a year now, I have seen them develop the beginnings of a sense of self-respect, self honour and integrity. Master has been mainly responsible for that, his patience, his open love of them, his gentle teaching of them and guiding hand. I have no regrets of staying well past the end date of the relationship because if I had left I would not have my boys and my life would have taken a different twist, I  may never have met my Master in this lifetime.

Yeah, I wouldn’t have had all the emotional turmoil, the endless court appearances, the self doubts and depression… But I wouldn’t have learnt how to deal with my fear of the unknown.

 The rest of my mistakes seem insignificant to me compared to that one.

 Mistake – doubting Master’s patience. I used to do this constantly, yet it is only in recent weeks that i have noticed just how much I have done this in the past. Doubting his patience and along with that, his commitment.

Reflection – I don’t think i will ever stop needing Master’s reassurance, but i have certainly stopped doubting his patience with me. Actions always speak louder than words and Master has been there with me every step of this journey so far, throughout all the highs and the lows and never once said “i quit” or that the journey wasn’t worth it. His commitment he has proven time and time again and i no longer have doubts on that either.  I have stopped doubting myself now.. at least i think i have. I know i have a tendency to over-analyse and i always have a need to understand what is happening, what will happen, and why – always why; why do i feel like this, why am i worried about x or y, why will z happen, what comes next. I doubt that will ever change. However, i am more comfortable now in accepting those changes as they occur and being open about my fears. Master’s patience is far more reaching than i could ever hope mine to be. He has me journal every night to him and each night he will go through that email, addressing each of the points i make if he feels it is needed.

Mistake -   allowing my fears to take over me. As each change in me occurs, as the rabbit hole becomes deeper and i have a habit of letting my fear overtake me – the fear of the unknown. I start looking at the minutia rather than the big picture, i start allowing little fears to turn into issues.

Reflection -  Master seems to have found a good solution to this in the form of the journal he insists i write each and every night. Each night he makes me write an email for roughly an hour. that hour is sufficient for me to empty my thoughts and for them to start circling. When that happens, we both know that everything that needs to come out has done. I have now gone beyond being uncomfortable with him knowing all of my thoughts, it is his right as my Master, but the simple act of writing them has me telling him in a way that i am comfortable with, at an appropriate time when we both know they can be discussed afterwards if needed and addressed. In this way they no longer seem to become the huge beasts i must devote all my attention to and fight. They stay as they are, just a fear of not knowing and that only lasts for as long as it takes for the conversation to take place. I do sometimes have an issue with not wanting to speak and have started begging to keep the ball gag in while he speaks about what he thinks i need to understand or have explained from each journal. It helps me feel more safe as he does that. i feel safe when i wear that in a way i cannot explain in simple terms.

I make mistakes – i am human and it is nature. i have made countless mistakes throughout my life too numerous to mention and have made countless mistakes while being in the ownership of my Master. That will continue and i will never be the “perfect slave” because it doesn’t exist. I am mouthy at times, i forget my place, i speak inappropriately on occasion and have been reprimanded recently for that. I have lost the privilege of Facebook and Fetlife for the day several times over the past couple of month.   I used to fight my submission out of fear and doubt, i still do in some aspects and i am under no illusions that it is possible to not do so. However, these are what makes me who i am, my Master’s kajira. I am not a cardboard cut out, I am not a Barbie doll. I am a living, growing, human who is slave to my Master and growing in that role each and every day. I cannot learn by not making mistakes, but the reflection on them is where i learn. I cannot be who my Master wishes me to be if i cannot learn from my mistakes and be punished for them.

The punishments Master gives me now may not be the punishments he gives me when we are together and i accept that without argument. I need Master to punish me for my mistakes, it shows me he cares, that he cares enough about me to teach me to do better. Yet with every punishment now and in the future comes praise for what i have done right and reassurance that he loves me  and what my role is in our relationship. It reassures me that the trust i have in my Master is well placed.

Before I finish i wish to explain a bit about how i feel about Master’s gag and yeah, I should pull this bit out into a separate post. I mentioned it briefly, yet at this moment in my life it is a huge adjustment and is bringing a lot of realisations to light. It has only been in use a fortnight. yet already i cannot imagine it not being there. Master allows me to wear it as i write my journal each night and aye, i do beg to keep it on sometimes as he reads my post. why? well that is both a complex and a simple answer.

I feel safe when i wear it, i feel constrained, both physically and verbally. Wearing it takes away my ability to speak, to answer questions to fulfil the need to explain or fill a void of silence when i am nervous. The constraint reminds me quite succinctly that I am my Master’s slave and it is his will that counts not mine. It is my duty to obey and not to answer back. It takes away my independence of speech  and makes me dependant on Master to be able to pick up on what i meant when my words don’t read right. It amazes me how dependant I am on wearing it and how comforting such a simple thing can be. Ask me 6 months ago or even three if I thought i could feel this way about a gag and i would have said nope. Yet i fast realise it is yet another way of Master exercising his control over me and it is another aspect of his control i didn’t think i needed until it happened.

Related Articles

• Mistake-Based Learning (psychologytoday.com)