Marriage

I could call this post “Why marriage is a touchy subject”, but it isn’t altogether off bounds… or “Top ten subjects to avoid”, but then it isn’t always avoided. The more I think about it, the more the title of “I don’t know what the hell to think” appeals more and more.
Can you tell I feel mixed up yet?
Good.
I don’t have to explain the jumbled thoughts then.

A long while ago now, Master first said that we would get married. A few months ago, I think more as formality and romanticism, he ‘asked’ me to. He said at the time he will ask me again, in front of the boys more formally.

The divorce from ex is final now as of 14th October 2010. The access arrangements for children is sorted. The only thing left in court is the seperation of finances. Worst case senario I don’t want to contemplate, but average, I expect it to be finished by the end of April all things considered. I suppose it all depends on how much of an arse he intends to be.

Anyway, once that is sorted Master will be able to apply for the visa to get him home to his family for good. We cannot apply before because we don’t want to risk a delay on my end. The visa he will be applying for is as my intended husband which means when its granted, we have to marry within 6 months.

And thats where my head is now.
A fast becoming good friend (M) is thinking about coming to the UK in the summer; he suggested it would be good for us all to meet up and I agree wholeheartedly. Good times to be had there! Then you start working out dates (some are fixed in the head you know) and this summer looks like it could potentially be a wedding summer….

A few banters later and bright spark me went to look at a few wedding vow sites and marriage law for the UK and now my head feels like a rattling shed. I am a Christian, yet because of a mistake 5 years ago, I can no longer say vows in a church. Then that leaves the option of a civil ceremony…. and along with that the option to make your own vows.

M wants to see about getting registered to perform the ceremony – to be honest, that sounds like a fantastic idea. to be married by someone we know instead of a stranger. but the hassle entailed in that is not good.  Now I am left with rattling what if’s…  I want to be able to say “I obey” to my Master, yet unless you use the old anglican ceremony (impossible), it has to be written into personal vows.  That entails going places that feel upsetting to me right now.

In a few days Master lands here to spend Christmas with us. I need him, I love him yet part of me wished it wasn’t so because then I wouldnt have the pain of him leaving.. and I know it will be tenfold worse for him.  I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to carry on after he goes back. I know its only a few short months, but it may as well be years because we will still be apart in that time.

There are too many what if’s with the marriage and I couldnt cope with anything less than life with Master. I cannot express how deeply, differently, passionately I love him. How right we fit together. Twin souls.

and there I am looking because I am slightly bored at marriage vows and I dont know whether to laugh, cry, hide or run for safer ground. I have no idea on answers to questions such as how formal would you like. I would love to ask if we could have a formal Gorean collaring ceremony and have a few freinds at that instead of a full blown marriage. Wanna officiate that for us instead M?

What’s wrong with running?

Sometimes I fucking hate what my Assassin has done to me. I could cope when I wasn’t so damn emotional.