Without yang nothing would come into being; without yin all that comes into being would die.

yang is mental activity in its forceful aspect, yin the imaginative and poetic, exalting the merely mental to the beautiful.

yang goes ahead with things, yin contains things within herself and knows their nature without effort.

yang does, yin is.

Yang in his givingness bestows the gifts; yin in her being receives, preserves, enhances, and redistributes them.

Yang constructs, yin instructs; yang implements, yin complements; yang is strength, yin endurance; yang is knowledge, yin the mystery that reveals itself and becomes knowledge.

yang is the discoverer, yin lures toward greater discovery.

Yang is the self-developer, inspired by yin, the self dedicator, for her development and his dedication.

Yang is the lover, and yin is therefore beloved; yin is the beloved and the source of love.

Yang is will and yin is wisdom, and one without the other is neither, and together they are joy.

Yang is as the day, turning into night, and yin the night preceding the day; the one is the force that drives the waves of the ocean forward, the other the force that draws them back so that they may go forward again.”
“Twin Souls,” by Patricia Joudry and Maurie

D. Pressman

How is it possible to feel calm yet so damn nervous and flighty at the same time?
Like two conflicting emotions competing inside me for dominance. My body was nervous and flighty, yet my head calm and accepting?

Master took his time and great pains to ensure I was fully restrained for our safety. We knew at some point I would try to fight back and he did not want to inadvertently hurt me with a misplaced blow or for me to hurt him by kicking out.

Sounds silly.
Prepare to accept the first and probably the worst beating of your life… By the way, I don’t want to hurt you. 

Hmm… Poor joke, I know.

I was glad Master restrained me, it made it easier; easier to let go, to fight and struggle and know that I couldn’t hurt him; know that I was free to kick and swear and scream as much as I needed to and it wouldn’t matter at all – that it was safe to do so.

Master put wrist to thigh restraints on me, which made it impossible for me to flatten myself, so as he had me laid face down on the bed, not only could I not move my hands and arms to shield the blows, but it put me in such a position that my ass was raised. He put a spreader bar between my ankles so my legs were spread apart. He used this during the beating as a means to stop me wriggling away, he kept it chained to the thigh restraints so I couldn’t kick out and he could grab hold of it whenever he needed to.

The bit that made a huge difference, was the first thing Master put on me.. a blindfold. He covered my sight to calm me and left me just able to hear and feel, heightening those senses inadvertently. The blindfold had a huge impact on me. I was very reluctant afterwards for it to be removed. As Master cradled me on his lap, my head buried into his groin as he stroked my hair and spoke softly to me, I really did not want it removing whatsoever. He did of course, but it took a long while and Master lifting my chin upwards before I could look him in the eye afterwards. It acted like a safety blanket to me. Why I was frightened to look Master in the eyes afterwards I do not know. I do know that when I did all I saw was deep love and happiness in his eyes and I felt the love I feel for him swell yet again.

Master used his leather paddle, his leather whip (an evil little thing, but the blade are half cm square in thickness and bite like hell) and his hand. It hurt. expected really, an obvious statement, but it surprised me at how much I could take before that overwhelming urge to fight back kicked in.

That was roughly when Master asked me “Who makes the decisions for us and our family?”….  The answer spat back to him of “Depends on if you are here or not” may have been incorrect…

When Master told me – “Wrong answer” and then belted my ass harder for it, I really don’t think me saying “Like Fuck” on the odd times I lost the fight to silence was an appropriate response either!

I can say with all honesty, the whip and the paddle just hurt me, I would have caved eventually to them, but Master said after that he thought my skin was at its limit which is why he swapped to his hand.

Now that was the killer. Pain wise, it didn’t hurt any more than the whip or paddle. It may have hurt less. It was HIS hand though, his flesh touching mine and him personally smacking me. That hurt a lot, mentally. I couldn’t take much of that and with every smack I felt the fight leave me until I felt hollow. I was grateful when Master asked me the question again and I was able to answer that he did. Even though he pretended to not hear me the first time around and made me state it very clearly again.

I felt raw inside, my ass burned like hell but it was nothing to how raw I felt inside yet as he told me those words I long to hear “good girl” he finger fucked my ass and I have never felt as exposed or as used or as owned as I did at that moment in time.

To lift my ass towards his finger was instinctual.

What surprises me more than anything, mainly because I cannot wrap my head around it yet, is why I begged that night to feel his hand again on my very tender ass as I lay across his lap. Or why I begged yet again on our last night together and when pressed,  although embarrassed, felt it deep enough to beg very clearly for exactly what I needed.

One thing I do know is that it wasn’t in a sexual way.

Three days later

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Some people take offence that I do not call any male who identifies as gorean “Master”.

I can understand this – it is the culturally accepted title for any free man. It is a tool to remind any kajira of her station and that she is slave, regardless of who is addressing her or who she serves.

A lot of kajira it seems don’t have issue with this and use the “my Master” title as the delineation between free men who do not own her and her own Master.  I could even cope with that myself.

However….

Master does not like it. Yeah, the purists would decry that it is not ‘gorean’ to do so. But depending on the context – on the circle, Master usually is a title to be earned, not an automatic right. I do not know much about the leather community, maybe I should learn more, but I do know enough to realise it is an earned title there.

Master also does not like me calling any free man Master because of the cyber trolls – yeah, you can switch off or block them – but why invite them to even attempt?

There are a few gorean men that I feel I ought to use the generic title of Master with; Rocker, Marauder, Shreve, Hassan… to name a few. However, I must beg my Master for permission to use that title with another on every occasion. Sometimes it is granted, other times not.

I am aware that this offends some people, others see it as pedantic and some may just find it annoying. I must obey my Master firstly though and it does upset me when people are offended by me calling them Sir instead…. I do not do it to slight that person – I do it because it is the most acceptable way in my mind to give the respect and honour that free person deserves without breaking my Masters rules or wishes.

If I use the honorific of Sir – I do not do so lightly. I was brought up being taught to respect others, respect my elders… Even my father at aged 58 still called certain people Sir when speaking with them – and he was a good man and I miss him terribly.

I try my best to give people a base level of respect, from there it is up to them in their words and their actions to show me if that is well placed or not. If it is not – then do not expect me to answer you – or alternatively you will find I raise the issue with Master and he will either advise me on what he wishes me to do or deal with it himself.

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Image by Pink Sherbet Photography via Flickr

Lately I have been feeling very insecure. Some would say its silly, after two years – look at the changes that have occurred - look at what and who you were to who you are now.  

Two Years Ago

Two years ago I was in a bad marriage. I was (looking back on it) very unhappy, subject to financial and emotional abuse. I couldn’t see a way out and I didn’t even know one existed. I thought that all of that was my lot in life.

I thought that I couldn’t change anything because of my two boys, that I had to stay to ensure their happiness.

I thought that I would have to hide my identity, my being, for the rest of my life. That it could never be understood by anyone. That I was odd, weird, not-normal. That what I knew I was inside could and never would be accepted as what another person actually wanted from me.

I thought that no one would wish to take on a thirty something, single mum with two young boys, that me being sterilised and not able to have children (my normal methods) would mean NO man would ever consider being interested in a long term relationship (and hell would freeze over before I have a string of short term ones where they get to meet the boys).

I thought no man would ever want me for who I am, a slave, an extremely submissive, subservient female. One who craves and needs control (the right kind), one who craves to please a man, is happiest and most fulfilled when she feels a pat on the head or the words “good girl”. One that would rather be told what to do than to make a choice.

Then I met Master… pure chance, dumb luck, fate….. I think it was something that was meant to be at that moment in time. All my life I had that dead rooted feeling – knowing that he was there somewhere, that I would meet him this lifetime. I even knew that to most people, his appearance is one of oddity. It is not nor ever has been that to me. From the first moments we spoke I felt at home. A peace that I have never felt before. He made me feel accepted. He knew my desires, my needs that I have hidden for so long. He demanded them of me – demanded and brought them forth into the open. Master has demanded me to be emotionally open to him and it has been a very hard journey to become so. To not hide or bury how I feel about things – anything

I knew since being a child that I was different, I knew as adult that I didn’t fit in with most people… I knew in my heart that somewhere out there, one person would make me feel whole – and he does.

Today

Almost two years on I feel myself. I feel whole…. or almost. my Master is my rock, my saviour, my completeness.

I no longer feel I need to hide how I feel. Or at least until a few weeks ago…. now I feel so damn insecure I don’t know what to think any more.

I am a single working parent – and you know what? I CAN do it. My children are happy, they want for nothing, and I feel happier and more grounded in myself than I have in a long long time.

I just wish I didn’t feel so insecure. I hate not ‘knowing’ answers, I hate not knowing how long things will take. I hate sleeping in a bed alone… I hate it and I miss Master so much. I have slept alone for a year now and do not know how much longer I will.

I just know in my heart that Master is the only man who can make me feel this way, make me feel whole.  I know he is the only man I want, need or desire. I just hope and pray that I can be everything he needs or wants.

and I am frightened that I am not….

I am frightened that everything that the past two years have been is for naught. I am frightened that I may have to go back to who I was and not only because I don’t know how to go back, but because I don’t know if I can…. and I don’t want to be that unhappy shell of a person again.

For all the shit of the past year in particular, I would do it again and again and again, for the joy of being with my Master, to be with him. To live with him.

I want to make him happy, I need to…. and I am frightened that I don’t.

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sometimes its the little things that you hold dear……..

This is an old email I found

Image via Wikipedia

I have a huge hatred of lies.

I always have. I suppose I always will have.  I cannot lie – its seen in my face clearly.

This is my rant. I have been lied to more times over the years by people I love or loved…. I sometimes wish I wasn’t so trusting. I have been hurt by their lies more from watching the attempt at cover up than by what would be the truth.

It destroys my faith, little by little and has me sometimes to the point that I cannot see why I want to carry on – what I have to live for when the people I have faith and trust in hurt me.

Is that what life is about?  Covering your ass all the time? Dressing it up to yourself by saying I am doing it because I dont want this person hurt because of me? or because I am ashamed of my actions? of myself and dont want to face up to my reality?

I may not challenge most lies told to me, but it doesn’t mean I don’t see them. I choose to ignore them most of the time so harmony will prevail. So others don’t get hurt… is that me lying to myself?

TO ME

Lies are without honour

How can you live with honour and integrity if you lie.

Even the person I loathe the most deserves the respect of my truth.

Lies corrupt

Once one is told, how many more will you have to tell to cover the initial lie?

How deep will the hole be dug before it is found or it becomes your tomb?

Lies bite you in the ass

Lies eventually are found out. It may be a year, it may be a few hours. it may be a few decades. They are discovered.

How many loved ones are you willing to hurt just to save face?

Lies destroy trust

One lie, two lies, how many will you tell and have discovered before trust is destroyed completely?

If you lie about one thing – how can a person trust anything else you say?

Lies

Lies dont hurt, the finding out about them does. The damage of lies can be repaired. More lies cannot do that though, only the truth can and yeah, it hurts. It hurts a lot. That is the lesson that lies teach us.

Maybe we only really see and appreciate the joy in life is we can also recognise and feel the pain….

Maybe we only really see the truth when all the lies crumble… is that the truth of others through their lies though?

Or is it the truth of ourselves who have been weaving the lies?

I fear for a lot of people,  when they die they never realise who they were or what they had in this lifetime for lack of a mirror.

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Now he cannot fly.

Two boys mean the show must go on.

For me, Christmas is cancelled.

A long while ago now, Master first said that we would get married. A few months ago, I think more as formality and romanticism, he ‘asked’ me to. He said at the time he will ask me again, in front of the boys more formally.

The divorce from ex is final now as of 14th October 2010. The access arrangements for children is sorted. The only thing left in court is the seperation of finances. Worst case senario I don’t want to contemplate, but average, I expect it to be finished by the end of April all things considered. I suppose it all depends on how much of an arse he intends to be.

Anyway, once that is sorted Master will be able to apply for the visa to get him home to his family for good. We cannot apply before because we don’t want to risk a delay on my end. The visa he will be applying for is as my intended husband which means when its granted, we have to marry within 6 months.

And thats where my head is now.
A fast becoming good friend (M) is thinking about coming to the UK in the summer; he suggested it would be good for us all to meet up and I agree wholeheartedly. Good times to be had there! Then you start working out dates (some are fixed in the head you know) and this summer looks like it could potentially be a wedding summer….

A few banters later and bright spark me went to look at a few wedding vow sites and marriage law for the UK and now my head feels like a rattling shed. I am a Christian, yet because of a mistake 5 years ago, I can no longer say vows in a church. Then that leaves the option of a civil ceremony…. and along with that the option to make your own vows.

M wants to see about getting registered to perform the ceremony – to be honest, that sounds like a fantastic idea. to be married by someone we know instead of a stranger. but the hassle entailed in that is not good.  Now I am left with rattling what if’s…  I want to be able to say “I obey” to my Master, yet unless you use the old anglican ceremony (impossible), it has to be written into personal vows.  That entails going places that feel upsetting to me right now.

In a few days Master lands here to spend Christmas with us. I need him, I love him yet part of me wished it wasn’t so because then I wouldnt have the pain of him leaving.. and I know it will be tenfold worse for him.  I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to carry on after he goes back. I know its only a few short months, but it may as well be years because we will still be apart in that time.

There are too many what if’s with the marriage and I couldnt cope with anything less than life with Master. I cannot express how deeply, differently, passionately I love him. How right we fit together. Twin souls.

and there I am looking because I am slightly bored at marriage vows and I dont know whether to laugh, cry, hide or run for safer ground. I have no idea on answers to questions such as how formal would you like. I would love to ask if we could have a formal Gorean collaring ceremony and have a few freinds at that instead of a full blown marriage. Wanna officiate that for us instead M?

What’s wrong with running?

Sometimes I fucking hate what my Assassin has done to me. I could cope when I wasn’t so damn emotional.

To be honest, I have made so many mistakes in my life I don’t know where to start. Having said that, if it were not for those mistakes, I would not be the person I am today. “No Regrets” is a motto I live by and have always lived by. Those words will become important as I write this post.

 So, do I list all the mistakes I have made since my teen years? Do I list the recent ones? Do I list the ones since Master came into my life?… I don’t know.  I seem to have spent an awful long time reading old posts of mine while I have been thinking of this essay. three essays have stuck out at me, 1. What my Heart says. (1)  2. What my Head says. (2) 3. A kajira and her changes (1)  What I have done below is list three mistakes i have made and my reflections on them. They are not specifics, if i were to list specifics we would be here for a few months just writing out this year alone. What is below are the big attitude mistakes and I hope you forgive me for their generalisation.

 xxx

Mistake - I think my biggest mistake was staying with my ex for so long, for too many years past when I knew it was time to end it. So many wasted years are laid there in the past with a male that has no integrity, no honour and no sense of responsibility or love for anyone other than himself.

Reflection – No regrets. I knew before I became pregnant with my eldest that I needed to get out of the relationship, yet I stayed because of fear of the unknown. I have two beautiful handsome boys whom I would give my life for. Two boys whom I see growing each day and over almost a year now, I have seen them develop the beginnings of a sense of self-respect, self honour and integrity. Master has been mainly responsible for that, his patience, his open love of them, his gentle teaching of them and guiding hand. I have no regrets of staying well past the end date of the relationship because if I had left I would not have my boys and my life would have taken a different twist, I  may never have met my Master in this lifetime.

Yeah, I wouldn’t have had all the emotional turmoil, the endless court appearances, the self doubts and depression… But I wouldn’t have learnt how to deal with my fear of the unknown.

 The rest of my mistakes seem insignificant to me compared to that one.

 Mistake – doubting Master’s patience. I used to do this constantly, yet it is only in recent weeks that i have noticed just how much I have done this in the past. Doubting his patience and along with that, his commitment.

Reflection – I don’t think i will ever stop needing Master’s reassurance, but i have certainly stopped doubting his patience with me. Actions always speak louder than words and Master has been there with me every step of this journey so far, throughout all the highs and the lows and never once said “i quit” or that the journey wasn’t worth it. His commitment he has proven time and time again and i no longer have doubts on that either.  I have stopped doubting myself now.. at least i think i have. I know i have a tendency to over-analyse and i always have a need to understand what is happening, what will happen, and why – always why; why do i feel like this, why am i worried about x or y, why will z happen, what comes next. I doubt that will ever change. However, i am more comfortable now in accepting those changes as they occur and being open about my fears. Master’s patience is far more reaching than i could ever hope mine to be. He has me journal every night to him and each night he will go through that email, addressing each of the points i make if he feels it is needed.

Mistake -   allowing my fears to take over me. As each change in me occurs, as the rabbit hole becomes deeper and i have a habit of letting my fear overtake me – the fear of the unknown. I start looking at the minutia rather than the big picture, i start allowing little fears to turn into issues.

Reflection -  Master seems to have found a good solution to this in the form of the journal he insists i write each and every night. Each night he makes me write an email for roughly an hour. that hour is sufficient for me to empty my thoughts and for them to start circling. When that happens, we both know that everything that needs to come out has done. I have now gone beyond being uncomfortable with him knowing all of my thoughts, it is his right as my Master, but the simple act of writing them has me telling him in a way that i am comfortable with, at an appropriate time when we both know they can be discussed afterwards if needed and addressed. In this way they no longer seem to become the huge beasts i must devote all my attention to and fight. They stay as they are, just a fear of not knowing and that only lasts for as long as it takes for the conversation to take place. I do sometimes have an issue with not wanting to speak and have started begging to keep the ball gag in while he speaks about what he thinks i need to understand or have explained from each journal. It helps me feel more safe as he does that. i feel safe when i wear that in a way i cannot explain in simple terms.

I make mistakes – i am human and it is nature. i have made countless mistakes throughout my life too numerous to mention and have made countless mistakes while being in the ownership of my Master. That will continue and i will never be the “perfect slave” because it doesn’t exist. I am mouthy at times, i forget my place, i speak inappropriately on occasion and have been reprimanded recently for that. I have lost the privilege of Facebook and Fetlife for the day several times over the past couple of month.   I used to fight my submission out of fear and doubt, i still do in some aspects and i am under no illusions that it is possible to not do so. However, these are what makes me who i am, my Master’s kajira. I am not a cardboard cut out, I am not a Barbie doll. I am a living, growing, human who is slave to my Master and growing in that role each and every day. I cannot learn by not making mistakes, but the reflection on them is where i learn. I cannot be who my Master wishes me to be if i cannot learn from my mistakes and be punished for them.

The punishments Master gives me now may not be the punishments he gives me when we are together and i accept that without argument. I need Master to punish me for my mistakes, it shows me he cares, that he cares enough about me to teach me to do better. Yet with every punishment now and in the future comes praise for what i have done right and reassurance that he loves me  and what my role is in our relationship. It reassures me that the trust i have in my Master is well placed.

Before I finish i wish to explain a bit about how i feel about Master’s gag and yeah, I should pull this bit out into a separate post. I mentioned it briefly, yet at this moment in my life it is a huge adjustment and is bringing a lot of realisations to light. It has only been in use a fortnight. yet already i cannot imagine it not being there. Master allows me to wear it as i write my journal each night and aye, i do beg to keep it on sometimes as he reads my post. why? well that is both a complex and a simple answer.

I feel safe when i wear it, i feel constrained, both physically and verbally. Wearing it takes away my ability to speak, to answer questions to fulfil the need to explain or fill a void of silence when i am nervous. The constraint reminds me quite succinctly that I am my Master’s slave and it is his will that counts not mine. It is my duty to obey and not to answer back. It takes away my independence of speech  and makes me dependant on Master to be able to pick up on what i meant when my words don’t read right. It amazes me how dependant I am on wearing it and how comforting such a simple thing can be. Ask me 6 months ago or even three if I thought i could feel this way about a gag and i would have said nope. Yet i fast realise it is yet another way of Master exercising his control over me and it is another aspect of his control i didn’t think i needed until it happened.

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I used to take that position and others when young. Seeing it agin in a drawing brings back so many memories.

I often found great comfort kneeling or curling at my fathers or my mothers feet as a child and this has carried on into adulthood. I am most at peace now when curled on the floor at my Master’s feet. Growing up I felt most at ease sat on the floor in some position and even as adult I find myself on the floor in the company of certain men I have a lot of respect for, men I would call Men and not males. For a lot of years between late teens through to aged 30 I completely and passionately rejected the slave part of me and feeling empty, only to find myself whole once I discovered what I was rejecting and started embracing it.

As a child I would find myself assuming position 13 and even position 1 of the series you have linked to when I was completely alone and this became more significant when I hit puberty when aye, my body would tingle with need then.

As a child I prefered to be either in the open air up a tree or in a field, or cooped up in a confined space reading a book. As an adult now, I am more comfortable constrained in restraints. 

I recognise all this now as who I am, and aye as the kajira i am. It is me and I cannot alter that, just embrace it and go deeper into it. It is scary, it is confusing as hell at times, yet I have never felt more at home.

Thank you for asking such a question. You have stirred memories in me that I had long forgotten.

what are your thoughts on this? have you ever looked back on your habits as a child and seen looking back indications of who and what you are today? if you are slave, how many of your actions and traits as a child indicative of the slave you are now? If you are Master, then I am humbled you are reading my writings, but were you always the dominant Man you are today or did your path take a different twist before you found your home?

On another note… Master, the wonderful, EVIL, sexy, loveable Man he is decided that its about time he set a few essays and fiction for me to write on here again.

There are …. wait for it….

1. Freeform essay -
   Assassin, service, passion, tears, pain, happiness, peace, torment, collar, worship, love kajira, Owner, slavery.
2. Essays –
   Mistakes and Reflections
   Depths of a Gorean slave’s soul
   Cock and Body Worship
   submissive versus kajirae service
   Slave Commands (verbals and physical) and their uses
   5 slave dances and their meanings/purposes
3. Fiction –
   Master and kajira camping
   Assassin and His captured kajira
   Blindfold, Darkness, and a Touch
   Collar and Dagger
   Hard Passions of Two

To come up on here in the next few weeks – and joy of joys, Master wants at least half of them written by Christmas

Penny for your thoughts?
which of the posts would you like me to write first? and why? I have been given this huge list and there is no set order to them – so i am asking you guys!

I handled it this morning, as I always have done.

No, I want to sleep because of the last few hours. I am not used to being protected like this. Not when it comes to work life. I have always been a big girl there. I have to be. I work in a male dominated occupation, i have to be able to deal with the odd ribbing and not many have the guts to rib me – not many can take the flack that comes from it.

I am not used to someone being so protective of me that it extends into my workplace. I am not used to someone doing that. sticking up for me. publicly saying he doesnt like it.

I have been ordered to put my ass plug in, to calm me. right now it is just irritating me no end.
I have just been made to orgasm several times…. I was told to stop holding back… I was holding back tears Master. I cannot help my bodys reaction.

I was out of line yesterday. I was chastised. today that sunk in and i feel like shit.

anyways, I re-wrote it… and here you have it!

I am owned and not looking for a velcro collar.

Now that’s out of the way in big red italicized text

my Owner and my kinks

I am owned by a wonderful Man, AerosWraithe, whom I am blessed to call *my Master*. I identify as Gorean and as with all those who live the lifestyle, it is not a role, it is who I am. Once does not have to be into BDSM to be Gorean. However, I am also about as kinky as the wires in a telephone exchange box.

I am quite naive with some of the almost common fetishes within BDSM circles, yet as you will see from my kinks on fetlife, others I absolutely love such as anal sex, vaginal fisting, nipple clamps and pegs.

Yes, I am Gorean, get over it!

I am not one to stand on a soap box preaching about my beliefs, yet I will if I feel you are being obnoxious or flaming me purely on the basis that I identify as Gorean. I am not from disney Gor, I am from EARTH and I obey the laws of my land. It is who I am, it is the codes and values that I hold, it is my credo and I live it 24/7. I give a base level of respect to others and I will evaluate that and adjust it accordingly based on their personal actions.

I may be submissive, but that is to my Master **only**. Please do not expect me to be submissive to you, just because you call yourself a Master. You are not mine. You can expect a base level of respect from me and provided that your actions speak clearly, that respect will rise.

 History?

I had an experience of BDSM/Gor when I was 16/17 years old. For a few months I wore a training collar, yet that is what it was always going to be. I was naive, I was a child and a bad experience had me running to bury any and all submissive and kink tendencies within me. I did a bloody good job of it for 17 years or so as well.

For 17 years I lived a strictly vanilla life and it nearly killed me. I was deeply unhappy, frustrated and the ultimate bitch. I lived by a credo of *I submit to no man and no man will ever break me*…. it lasted 17 years and when I could not live that lie any longer I went searching for answers on the net. Within a few months I had met my Master and our story begins there.

my Master?

Master is my life, my world.. he is my rock in troubled waters and the reason my heart quickens. He is my twinsoul and I am blessed to have found him in this lifetime. I am truly blessed to be owned by him, to be loved by him and travel on this journey with him. I have a tendency to panic at unknowns, to worry over things I do not *know*. I dig my heels in and will not budge. There are many times since being with Master that I have been on that edge, needing to jump in order to move forward and being frozen in fear of doing so. Master has always guided me through those times, calming my fears, pushing me if needed and being ready to watch me fly or catch me when I fail…

There is no failure, just opportunities to learn and grow

No limits?

I know it is hard for most non-Gorean M/s out there to understand, but I have no limits. For Gorean kajirae, the last decision we make is who to submit to. When Master collared me, I gave up my right to choose or to make decisions. No limits doesn’t mean that there is none however, the limits are what my Master chooses to set. This goes not just for any kink play, but in all aspects of my life.

 Want to be friends?

Master expects me to have spirit. If you want to drop me a freind request on Fetlife please do so, if you want to drop me an email, even better! Please do not be surprised if Master emails you however if he has a question. He word is final and he will tollerate nothing less than full disclosure on my part.

 Oops… Have I offended you?

Currently my Master allows me to post on any threads I find interesting on Fetlife and here, He also allows me to start a thread if I wish. If you feel offended by anything I post, please take it up with him. He is my Master and he will punish me as he deems fit, if he deems fit.

I think about it and tears well up in my eyes. It feels like an era has passed since we were together last and I so much want this. It’s shorter than I think either of us would like… but I am grateful for every last second we will be together. Master is coming home – to his family.

I am very nervous. New toys have arrived and there will be a few days where we will be alone together without the boys. With how I have developed these past few months – hell yes I am nervous. Nervous of what that will be like when we are together next.

When we spent the week together in April/May, it felt like a homecoming. I was still to a significant extent the independent woman I was. I didn’t want to leave, I was in tears at the airport and how on earth I didn’t cry Master’s words from the letter I read and re-read on the flight back, I will never know. That last week was where I learnt that everything I felt in my heart and my gut for Master and about us was real. It is where I realised that the need in me to submit to this one man was overwhelming. It is where I felt Master collar me with a silver necklace and padlock, and his necklace and padlock although separate most of the time now, still remain around my neck. The chain has not spent a day off my neck yet. 

That woman has changed.

…and that is what frightens me. Hell I am sure I over-analyse, but that’s just me. I am sure that these fears and nerves are unfounded. I am positive they are. Doesn’t stop me feeling them though and I know they will spiral as these few weeks pass.

• I fear the whip.
• I actually want Master to use it on me and it’s confusing.
• I know it will happen. I hope it won’t get sidelined.
• I pray that what my boys think just now about Master doesn’t alter.
• I wonder how much time we will have alone.
• I am curious to explore.
• I fear him leaving again…

A week.. well, less than a week as it will be the day after he sets off flying that he lands. A week and my heart will be ripped out again for another while.  Since last time, Master has been pushing me deeper. Master now makes all the big decisions for our family. He decided when things will be done, and how if at all. Yet when we are on Skype, I find myself asking if I can even use the toilet – then I realise what I have just done whilst I’m sat there! Master has been pushing me to orgasm on command. Since I was with him, I have got to the point that it is almost impossible for me to orgasm without him allowing me to. Recently he has been pushing that further to get me to orgasm on command.  I also get upset to be intentionally apart from him.. by this I mean that if he is home and I have somewhere I need to go where I will be a few hours, I hate it. I cannot enjoy myself fully or live ‘in the moment’. in the back of my mind he is at home and I could be spending time with him.

I wonder how these changes will pan out after us spending more time in physical contact with each other. I am nervous about what comes next after that, What will be pushed next? Will they cement in place like last time and if so where does that leave us.

What happens in the next year is anyones guess. When we can start to organise for Master to come here permanently all depends on the ancillary relief proceedings coming up. Until they are complete, nothing can move.

I hate the unknowns, yet I am getting a little used to them now. I don’t want to get used to them, but it seems I have no choice. I am not naturally patient. I am not naturally one who will sit back and let things pan out as they need to. I am a planner, an analyser, a thinker.. I get creative on how to get around issues. Creativity and action fill my life. Yet a lot of that is shifting focus. The thinking is more internal now than regarding events. The creativity is focused on my Master, my boys and crafting…. haven’t found an  outlet for the planner yet lol, but I am sure Master is working on that without me knowing as usual.

I remember being told in late 2008 that the life of a kajira and the journey to fully become was not easy, it was a hard, painful process.

It is,
It is also worth it – if you know it’s what you are.

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What I mean is i cannot quite get my head around why I have conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Background

Master has a leather paddle.. Today a short leather whip arrived ready for Christmas.
I have not actually felt either on my skin yet – from him.

Confusion

1. On one hand I really really do NOT want to feel him wield them – They will hurt. Badly. Either one in my Masters hand would easily bring me to tears.  I am no pain slut who willingly wants to feel  someone intentionally hurt her that badly.
2. On the other hand… I do.  I want to feel him strap me with both.

•  I want to feel what it would feel like for him to discipline me with that paddle – at least once.
• To bring me to tears with it, then push a little further til i beg for him to stop, then push further til any resistance in me has gone. 
• I want to feel the burn, the hot stinging burn on my ass from them, and feel him take my ass roughly afterwards while it is sensitive.
• I want to know what it feels like to gingerly sit down in the following hours or days because of that.
• I want to feel that leather whip hit my lips down there, feel them burn.
• I want to feel it mark my breasts.

So what the hell is going on?

How can I want something so badly when I know damn well it will hurt worse than anything I have ever felt in my life?

Why on earth do I willingly want him to break me like that? To show me exactly how well he could hurt me with them? how easily he could bring me to tears?

Why do I want him to push me past those tears til I stop begging? To show me how it would feel to be disciplined? To give me that fear of displeasing him?

Right now, I am one confused little bunny.
I cannot get my head around it.
Suggestions and explanations welcome on a postcard please…

Is there anyone out there that has felt exactly this? Anyone who has wanted their Master to physically hurt them til the will to beg has left them?

Where the hell is my head at?

http://www.humansexmap.com/showmap.php?mapid=map4cc4479bd7b0e2.51194919

Found this map via a DSCROSS blog post (cheers lol). I found it a hell of a lot of fun to do and the link to my own map is above. Master found it fascinating also to see in a visual format exactly where I am just now….. and gave him a few evil thoughts of areas we can discover.

If you want to do your own map -  www.humansexmap.com

Yesterday was a happy day.
Yesterday a judge granted my divorce to be absolute. Even with my ex sat there arguing why he did not want it granting (money money money, i ought to give him money).

The judge wasn’t impressed by him, saw no legal reason for us to stay married and made the decree absolute.

I AM FREE!!!!!! Yeay!
well, sort of.. i do wear my Masters collar lol… but ya’ know… Legally.. I am free and single. lol

There may be 4500 mile separating Master and me just now, but yesterday we were talking all night on Skype with a bottle of wine each celebrating. It was the closest we could do to a proper celebration… to me, I wouldn’t have swapped it for the world.

This marks the first of 4 boxes now closed so to speak.. Yeah, I still have:

• Arrangements for him to see the children up in the air because he wont agree to anything.
• I have children’s maintenance up in the air because he doesn’t see why he should contribute financially to the upbringing of his own children.
• I still have the ancillary relief to go through to separate us financially..

You know what?
Just now I don’t care.. I got one box shut and I am happy for a while to be content with that.

I am not quite sure though whether i prefer Dolly Parton‘s D.I.V.O.R.C.E.  or Billy Connelly‘s version…….

I crave to taste…
I crave to taste him, taste his salty masculine lifeblood
I crave to feel his seed flooding deep inside me
I crave to feel him deep in my cove, my mouth
….my ass

Master is a drug..
my drug
I don’t ever want to give up this addiction

Take me further
Deep into your grasp
Down to those black depths of passionate  longing
Of desire

Of taste and touch 

Of you

Master has had his email hacked into, I think by the time he realised yesterday, everything else went out of the window for both of us. There is almost two years of history there in that inbox. almost 2 years worth of emails between us, documenting the growth of our relationship and the deepening of the bonds between us. Documenting the shaky confused hells fury that i was and the changes that he wrought in me over that passage of time, moulding me into this mushy girly girl that he loves to remind me that i am now.

A lot of very private personal stuff is in those emails. documenting the sham of a marriage i was in and the journey that has led to where we are now. Quite a lot of the stuff contained in those emails is quite dark, upsetting, even to re-read a year later… but it is OUR history and it would hurt like hell to lose it.

So… a lot of frantic hours were spent yesterday hiving it all out and emailing each individual email one by one to a newly address, ensuring the date was added at the beginning of the subject line so the time frame is somewhat preserved…. and changing account details on a host of websites so that account can be closed down completely. It is almost done now, there is just a couple of emails left out of the 2000+ that were in there.

Master made me go to sleep yesterday and quit moving the emails across.. I didn’t want to quit – i almost said no… that’s something i have never said to Master and i am glad i didn’t. It was still there in my thoughts. After experiencing the same thing with my account around this time last year… I could not contemplate having to go through that again.

In amongst all that, yeah. I am still shaky. I feel queasy right now every time my head starts trying to wrap around these latest steps down the rabbit hole. Master says that’s a good thing – that i am reacting better than i used to at changes and my fear isn’t getting hold completely of me this time. Master isn’t letting me get out of this either, he is still showing me just how much control has slipped from me. he will not allow the ground to settle back. so the queasy sensation remains and i end up wiping tears from my eyes at each demonstration of that.

I am not too sure. It feels overwhelming and a few times during yesterday and today I have just started crying without any reason to. It feels like a huge paradox for me where the one thing i know i need, i know i want… i am frightened of and my head says I don’t want!  I have a multitude of questions forming and i am trying not to let them get out. That seems typical for me with changes – i analyse and analyse and question each possible angle – i have a drive to understand exactly what it means for me, i want to know how the land lies in this ever changing landscape called ‘me’. The questions, i don’t know if i can hold them back..

I am in a lot of ways unrecognisable from the ‘me’ of 2008.. I don’t want that person back – at all. I do not know her any more.

new changes, feelings about them, pain and possible reason for it. boring shite really… if you are really in need to sleep, read on!

I still haven’t got my head around this new change. Master says it is the abrupt beginning of  a long series of smaller changes and he understands why i am feeling like i am right now. I can see the endgame with this one. I can see that as this progresses and i become more and more used to it, it will get worse – the response time along with all the other stuff that i see being part of this change.

I can see that it is the first true step into full IE, i know that there is no retreat from this one. That is what scares me to hell. I know when this one becomes internalised and accepted, there will be no way out for me. its part of endgame.

I want it badly, i want that last door to shut… and it frightens me to hell that it will. I am glad Master is pushing me on this one. He has made me orgasm twice so far while i have been writing this out. It has had me in tears to feel my body respond to his voice. its going to take some getting used to. It frightens me because we are not together fully yet. That i know a lot of things i currently do automatic will become hard for me with what comes after when this becomes internalised. I am frightened that i wont be able to function without him  – and we are still apart. how the hell will i cope? will i be able to?  Yet i know that when we are together, changes will come a lot quicker and deeper than right now.

I am scared to death of losing Master and although that is on my mind a lot these past couple of months, this has brought it out fully. i just want the adrenaline to calm down so i can breathe if that makes sense. my control is not slipping back to where it was.. it is not going fully back. i am scared.

I have been in pain today. i have had pain in my kidney since i woke up and i feel sickly. I hope to God it is not an infection again, that it is a reaction to the flu jab i had on Saturday, but I am kidding myself if i think that and i know it. I ran out of my long term antibiotics 10 days ago and i cannot pick my repeat up till tomorrow. it doesn’t sound like much but I have been on these for well over a year now to stop the infections… Sods law says that the 10 days i haven’t taken them for in that time, I go and get one.

I have not got the heart to go to the doctors with a sample. I know my body too well, so i will ramp the dosage up for 7 days and deal with it myself. The docs are pretty good at letting me do that as and when i need to. I hope it works otherwise i will have to go on the strong ones again for a course before going back on the prophylactics.

Yeah, and i have already had my bollocking from Master on that one. He read a chat log where it was mentioned and he gave me that look and telling off then and there.

I was banned from Fetlife and Facebook yesterday as punishment. To be fair, I have only gone onto Fetlife for an hour today just to read one guy’s wonderful novel “The Angels of Ephesus”  he is posting in instalments up on Fetlife (fantastic stuff btw). It felt very odd to be cut off from those two places, I mean, for an afternoon and evening admittedly – but still..  What it did do is pull my concentration straight onto my Master.

Master allowed me to drink a glass of wine…. it turned into the whole bottle.. *grins* But because my concentration was solely on him from the time the boys went to bed, Master took great pleasure in teasing me over Skype. The wine relaxed me, as it always does; what I didn’t expect was for it to take away my last shreds of self control. Master had me squirming badly through watching his actions (nothing new there). I had jeans on, as always, no panties and I could feel my clit swelling and rubbing on the seam… It didn’t help my situation any to be honest.

OK.

Master was pondering what would happen if he said a certain word. Just his mentioning of the subject was enough to have my body craving and I suppose that’s where I hit one of those paradox moments. You know, the ones where you so desperately want something, yet at the same time you soooo much don’t want it.

That’s how i have spent the rest of the time since then. Master said the word “release” and that’s exactly what happened. I had an orgasm. It didn’t matter that I was trying to hold it back, to not have my body obey just his voice… it came. It came even through even harder when he told me not to hold back.  Sort of reminds me of a “His Master’s Voice” moment… I think I may be the dog…

Master thought it amusing and continued to do it again and again throughout the night, each time, my body responding to his words on command and doing exactly what HE said. Fuck me, the person who’s body it is supposed to be.. nah, I don’t count – it doesn’t listen to me.. Just him. Him telling me to release and my body obeying like a puppet.

I have two words for that…. FUCKING SCARY…

I can go further… FUCKING SCARY AS SHIT.

I suppose for a while now this has been on the cards. A long while ago, it had got to the point that I now cannot release without him saying so.. I had got to the point that when masturbating, I would have to beg for it if he did not tell me to otherwise, it just won’t come. Master has also found a way to get me down into various levels of subspace without being here.. It feels completely different from the past and doesn’t involve pain like it did. I know that will be a lot stronger when we are together permanently as Master will be able to control me better and I wont be just relying on his voice alone to take me there (pity all the subdrop effects are still there afterwards on occasion).  Anyway, for the past few times in subspace its got to the point I have had to be commanded to release, rather than them just washing over me when they come. I didn’t pay much attention to that though.

I wish I had.

I don’t really know what I think just yet. The over-riding thought right now is fear. Fear that something I thought I had control over isn’t actually controlled by me.  Yesterday evening, last night and today, Master has constantly reassured me that it’s okay, that it is natural and I shouldn’t try to fight it, that today he knows outside of subspace I am still trying to hold back on the orgasms as they come and I shouldn’t. Last night, the words that I heard clearest throughout the confusion, was that I was safe, that I was safe with him, that he was the one person that I knew wouldn’t abuse that power, that it was okay to let go.

I am grateful for him saying that. He has said it today as well. It is those words that are stopping me panicking too much. I know they are true and I ‘feel’ them deep inside me. I want him to have that level of control over me – even thought I am feeling very confused, shaken, stunned, happy, frightened… all that the same time right now. The thought scares the shit out of me, but it is what I want.

I cannot wrap my head around it just now, not fully anyway. For Master to say that word to me and for me not to be highly aroused beforehand – him saying it is enough to have me go from 0 – 60 in, by my guess, 20 seconds or so.  It’s as if my body isn’t mine anymore. It makes me wonder if it ever was..

Then, there is the question of when the fuck did this happen? Hell, i know the basic answer… Last night… duh.. But no, That’s not what I meant. When did all of this happen to have him/me realise all he had to do was just say the word? How long has he known? did he know? Why didn’t I notice? Is it something i ‘could’ have noticed? argh! Just question after question after question…

It humbled me last night to feel his control over me. It was needed, that reassertion that he is my Master, in every sense of the word. I think we both needed the reassurance that he had Mastery over me to that level. It has left my head a mush (no hangover btw). It’s another step down that rabbit hole. It’s a step I never even knew could be taken, let alone whilst still apart. I didn’t think it was possible with me..

I would say just now I feel confused.com

I also feel like my clit is on fire – are they supposed to stay this swollen for this long? The word loveslut my Master calls me as a term of endearment seems to fit quite well now.

k

k

^_^

Master had me worried yesterday. To see him looking so ill then to be told why.. A large part of me feels like it is my fault, that if I wasn’t going through what I am, if I wasn’t so emotional he wouldn’t have to deal with me like this. I know that it puts a huge stress on him to have to do that. To have to deal with me unable to stop crying because I miss him and its hurts so bad to be apart must be awful; especially as I know he feels the same way.

I woke up to an email yesterday telling me I would be punished for not speaking about what was bothering me when I had the chance the night before. At the time, I openly refused. I spent most of the morning and part of the afternoon wanting it over with, wanting to know what that would be. To her and see Master looking so ill, i didn’t want to even bring the subject up and ‘bother’ him with it, so I left it. Tonight I have been banned from Facebook and Fetlife for the night at least, tomorrow is another day and I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow… It’s amazing how I feel lost at not been able to see what’s happening in my little world.

I asked Master if I could journal again, I feel like I need to get into the habit of writing every day again. For me, I hope I may learn to speak freely again about what’s bothering me at the time instead of bottling it all up until it explodes.

I have spent that long burying what I feel, what I think, questions I want answers to that I have forgotten in part how to ask those questions, express what i think and feel. In the past 10 months I have learnt to not be ashamed to cry in front of Master now. I realise that when I am upset and need to cry, it is as much a part of me as breathing and I should not be ashamed or try to hide it. As far as that goes, I feel safe with my Master.

Anyway, here I am, journaling. It feels like forever since I last did this. I feel in a way I have got off lightly with not speaking my mind when asked to, but then, even the day after, I was speaking to a friend and said then that I would rather take the punishment than speak with the vehemence that I was feeling at that moment. Sometimes my tongue is far too sharp for its own good, whether that be spoken, or, if pushed and riled, in written word form.

I really ought to control my tongue more. I need to learn to speak clearly and concisely when I need to instead of the all or nothing that I currently do when it is something close to my heart. It is bugging me an awful lot about Master. I wish I had known earlier… but then, would I have been able to do anything about it? or if i had tried to minimise his exposure to how I was feeling – would that have been hiding?

I don’t know. I have more questions than answers right now and they just hang over me like a noose. I wonder sometimes if I will ever run out of questions, or is that end game?

Previous to ex was Si. he broke my trust in one fell swoop. he broke it when he sent me to subspace. I never thought I would trust him again, and i don’t in many ways, but trust was rebuilt last year and earlier this year when he helped me get through a very depressive patch when i got suicidal and i am grateful for his time and concern.

Doctors have broken my trust more times than i care to mention. I always automatically second guess them and question their judgement in all but the trivialities. In the past there has been a couple of doctors that almost killed me – hence distrust of others perceptions of my health.

some previously close friends have broken my trust in the past, they taught me to be wary, to not share anything that could hurt me emotionally with anyone.

I should never have stayed with my ex for as long as i did. but then if i hadn’t, if i had left when i should i would not have my two boys – and they mean the world to me.

he was not a strong-willed person, he is submissive and would never take the lead in the relationship – all that meant was i controlled it. I led where it was going. I made decisions and he followed…. and i hated every single second of that.

I could not trust him. He would say he was going to do something and then not follow through – wanting I think, to be molly coddled, to not have responsibility. It drove me nuts. Simple things like an electricity bill, I would ask him to pay it and he would say yes… A week later i would ask him if it was paid and his answer would be “not yet, i havent got around to it”.  a few days later his answer would be “shit, i forgot. I will do it tomorrow” and then a few days later when i asked again he would get stroppy because he hadn’t done it and I was ‘nagging him’.

I hate nagging. I hate everything about it and i hate feeling like i am nagging. I will bury things, not mention them, avoid them. make excuses to not explain the lack of movement on events to others. I will go silent, introverted… anything to avoid feeling like i am nagging.
With him, in the end i just did things myself and didn’t bother asking.

I took care of the house, the kids, held a full-time job and put up with his playtime DIY. I made excuses for him when our son was born and he pissed off to work the day after i came home – still ill and recovering from a c-section. my mother had to come over to look after me and the babe that day.

In the end, it just got too much. I felt like i was being treat like a doormat and i had gone too long biting my tongue to be able to turn things around.

In all honesty, that was just one of many things. But as i look back at that, I know inside how much it has left me with a dislike, a distaste and distrust of promises not followed through. Even basic things. At work, if someone says they are going to do something, i ask for a timescale now. Its automatic… if that is broken, the distrust creeps in – will they do it? am i wasting my time? are the trustworthy? why have they broken their word?

why why why?

Its something i need to address within me. Its something I think i personally need to work on – trusting promises without timescales. As i go further, go deeper into my submission with my Master, i need to be able to lay down my own will and put aside my own fears to obey him. There are things in life that don’t come with timescales and i need to learn to keep my faith, keep my trust intact. I am not sure how I can do it. All I know is that I am willing to try.

I can trust in God, I can trust in his plan, his bigger picture, his path that he has set before me… I need to learn to transfer that base trust there into other aspects of my life when things don’t have timescales.

How the hell do I do that?

How the hell do I learn to speak my mind when to do so sounds to me as nagging? To speak openly and clearly about things that are bothering me when i fear they would upset someone – and i don’t want them to be upset? when i am as good as i am at reading people? or knowing when they are avoiding something or hiding something or upset at something?

I know that sometimes to my own detriment, i have an innate need to help others, to please them, to not make a fuss, to not draw attention to myself in any (albeit potentially misconstrued) negative way. I know that these are part of the submissive traits of me. I know as i go further in this journey with my Master, these will surface more and more. I also know that i need to address them to a certain extent.

I have not got a clue how though.
(suggestions on a postcard please…)

i miss being with my Master, i miss him so much that it rips at my soul. sure, most times during each day its a dull ache. just lately its becoming more and more unbearable.

if life were simpler i wouldn’t still be technically married to an ass. if life were simpler i would be with my Master by now. if life were simpler the boys would have met him and spent time with him. if life were simpler it wouldn’t feel like this.

i am sick of my life being on hold.
i am sick of waiting for things to get better.
i am sick of holding back the tears only to have them creep up on me unexpected.

i want my life back.
i want to be able to look forward and know what’s coming and when.

i am fed up of being on hold.

I know this means a walk further down the path of Internal Enslavement which will eventually bind me to him in such a way that i cannot function without his control in my life.

I want this. Yeah, this is probably the calm before the storm again, but i do. I feel more at peace now than i ever have, more calm, collected, confident in myself. All this is due to my Love Master, my hearts home and my soul‘s twin. I want these next changes, for all that it will screw  my emotions up and have me shaking by the changes it will bring within me. my Master is fully aware that i will be an emotional wreck at times during this next steps, but as he knows, i do also, that it is needed, that we need it. He is my lifemate and there is no termination clause, I am his for LIFE.

There is no need to rush this journey, we have the rest of our lives to explore, however that does not mean it should be delayed and I feel within me the need for us to move deeper once again; we are ready for this, even if it scares me a little as always.

With all that in mind, Master and I recently found the 128 slave rules written by Jonathon Kay in 2004. After reading, reviewing, editing, re-wording and in some cases deleting rules together, Master has finally decided on my new rules. my Master’s Rules

Some of them I absolutely detest, there are some within there that I currently think “no fucking way”…. yeah yeah i know….

Master says we will be taking it steady to learn them and work our way through them all. Some will not come into effect until Master is over here for good. Some I know I already do and that gives me a little hope. I am unsure what else is going to crop up in the next few months and i know that Master will no doubt set me some more essays as he sees fit to help me to understand.

Right now, i just want my Master over here with me. Although the changes would come quicker and more pronounced, i would be with him while they happen, and he would be able to push me harder when i need it as he sees it, rather than the 4500 mile cavern between us. I want Master to push me hard, i want him to go deeper. I need to feel his Mastery over me, his dominance, his love and his will. I want to feel his strength of character, I want him to make me feel his.  I remember lunaKM writing something about sub frenzy once. I don’t know why that is stuck in my head right now but it is.

I love you Master.
x

Oh, and update!
You can find me on fetlife now for my sins lol - my profile is kajiradreams and Master is on there too at AerosWraithe

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,  ‘FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE  ‘POWERGEN’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO!’

‘FINE!’
THEN THE WIFE ASKS, ‘WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT’

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, ‘FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘FRIDGIDAIRE’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO!’

‘FINE!’ SHE SAYS
‘THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK’

‘I’M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON’T WANT TO FIX STEPS’, HE SAYS, ‘DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘TAYLOR WOODROW’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I’M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!’

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS…………….
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, ‘HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?’

SHE SAID,
‘WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.’

HE SAID,
‘SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?’

SHE REPLIED, ‘HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE ‘MR KIPLING’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO!’

“It is so important that you are grateful for everything in your life. Many people focus on the one thing they want and then forget to be grateful for all the things they have. Without gratitude you cannot achieve anything, because if you are not emanating gratitude from your being, then by default you are emanating ungratefulness.”

Yes, things are difficult right now and it is easy for me to lose sight of what I am grateful in my life for. Right now I feel sick with stomach cramps and it would be so easy with everything else going off in my life to give up the fight. Believe me when I say it would be so easy to give up, as this past week and a bit I have considered it probably more than I should have.  This morning, the quote above was in my email inbox waiting for me and I think I need to write down what I am grateful for in my life. If not, I fear I may end up destroying myself and those around me in the process.

• My boys snuggles on a weekend mornings
• Their kisses and hugs for no reason
• watching them play and laugh
• The eldest and his sense of justice and integrity
• The youngest and his temper and attitude
• My family and the way they pull around and get their hands dirty without having to ask for them directly for help
• For a friend whose answer to me not sleeping is “I’d ask the sea monkeys to speak to the sheep about that one” which if you knew them, would make perfect sense…
• For another friend who’s complete fascination and passion for his new tattoo had him texting it twice to me and spending half an hour describing it afterwards… then telling me all about the next one that’s planned.
• No rain today.
• Good associates who always know the right person who may be able to help, regardless of what the request is.
• Warm weather and the sun on my face.
• A cherry tree full of cherries (and having to wait for them to ripen…).

• My Master and his unerring strength
• The hours long phone call yesterday, for just being there and listening to diatribe
• For reminding me “I’m in it for the long haul” just when I needed to hear those words
• For loving me as He does and not ever letting me lose sight of that.
• For pushing me hard when I need it
• For bending down and picking me up when I fall
• For teaching me that the only place I can hide is in His arms.
• For showing me that is the only place I feel and know I am safe.
• For being strict with me and punishing me when I need it.
• For spending time talking football with the boys (and not asking me what offside means)
• For saying “Our Family” and bringing tears to my eyes each time He does, knowing that is how He feels.
• For having me laughing in the midst of crying.

In the dream we were walking in some woodlands I know well, holding hands as we winded our way through the trees and down the paths. It was a warm sunny day and out in front of us was my two boys.

At one point the boys came up and dragged Master away to see the Dungeon (an old ice house)

and at another point we were sat down on the ground quietly, listen and spying squirrels.

The thing is… I love those woods. I love walking through them, exploring all the paths that after all these years I know well. I love seeing those woods through my boys eyes, seeing and remembering how as a child, I used to call the ice house a dungeon, how struck I was as a child by watching squirrels shoot up and down trees… at how I used to be so excited and nervous about crossing the bridges (guarded by trolls – be careful, you might wake them..)  At collecting pinecones and spying toadstools and Bluebells and a whole host of dragonflies at the lake.

To explore it with my Master; to hear his words whispered in my ear, and to wake with the unshaken certainty that I will not step foot in those woods again until my Master is with me… 

Master, I love you…
Your family needs you and we are waiting for you to come home my love.

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfil it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
~ Mother Teresa

Gor can be hard, as life can be hard. But it can also be filled with tenderness, caring and love.

This is our Gor

Master put me there three times that week and it was a strange experience to be there again. Maybe I ought to explain, but please remember that we all have different pain thresholds.

Past
I have experienced subspace before, a long time ago when I was younger and sending me to that place used to involve pain… and lots of it. The Master at the time found it easiest to push me there, push my barriers and limits until as I neared that threshold and the adrenalin and serotonin kicked in, I would usually become hyper; giggling and sometimes cussing at him quite vocally at the beginning until I fell headlong into that magical place. He said he knew I was where he wanted me when I became quiet. That the quieter i became the deeper I was, I know that sometimes I would go completely non verbal and he didn’t like that at all, he had to watch my reactions way too close then. He said that some of my reactions could be very subtle and i could occasionally lose sense of what was safe.

With my Master subspace was definitely not as scary as what i envisioned it would be. In my past to go there meant pain; not the minor amounts of pain which add an edge to pleasure but the brain numbing, stinging, biting, thumping pain that forces you into that special place. With my Master it was poles apart from this.

I could not say that my Master and I did much play in the strict bdsm sense, i don’t think either of us felt the need to except minor bits where it reinforced our roles – and most of that was verbal as well. So having said that, my Master certainly loved having his hands on my breasts; touching, scratching, squeezing, stroking, pinching….  That was the trigger he found to send me to that sweet place initially. we were sat, my Master on his chair and me at his feet. Master was squeezing and pinching my breasts, making me extremely aroused and i know that the pain he was causing had me close to the edge before he started speaking to me. I know Master had his hand on my throat for some moments, *smiles* it is amazing how the hurt from his hand and direct control of my breathing, i welcomed without any fears surfacing as it always used to in the past; in fact it was the exact opposite, for the trust i had in him was tangible and unconditional and I welcomed it. 

I know Master touched and squeezed and played with my body until I was wet and begging. I know i closed my eyes, whether instructed to or not I honestly don’t know. I know I could hear Masters voice, soft and calm and close to my ear…. Then things go a little fuzzy and blurry and sound downright strange, especially to me seeing as I have never experienced this, in this context before.  I felt my Masters touch, yet instead of feeling the pain, it felt like he was caressing my skin. I heard my masters voice, yet it felt like it was from inside me. Masters voice was the only thing I could hear except I cannot tell you any of what he said. I couldn’t see anything as my eyes were closed, yet i could see clearly and as if i was stood next to the worktop, watching everything, yet in particular colours I have only seen three times before. The euphoria and bliss i felt while i was there was like floating on clouds, wrapped in the warm folds of my Masters love. Master says i didn’t want to come out of subspace.. that i argued with him saying No over and over again. That bit i cannot remember, but it doesn’t surprise me. Si used to say i fought like a she devil, that if i had gone really deep i could go through a brief violent phase as i was coming back up, as well as having quite quick flips of emotional extremes.

I know with my Master, i felt so relaxed when i opened my eyes, and tired. I felt drained, yet that reaction did not surprise me. I felt weak for a little while and i do remember saying to Master that I didn’t think i could walk quite just yet at one point. 

Master took me into subspace another twice after that and he says he felt i wanted to go deeper each time. That is true. I could feel the abyss and i wanted to go in down to its very depths, I wanted to explore those depths. Many would say how stupid I sound for wanting to go deep into subspace with someone I hardly knew, yet Master knows my body and my reactions instinctively and I know how safe i was with him.  Master says each time i did not want to leave that place.

I didn’t feel the downer that i used to feel from those raging rushes of subspace that i used to have. I didn’t feel weepy or upset at all. Yes, i felt drained and tired, yet even that didn’t last as long as it used to.  I know I didn’t go as deeply as I have been, yet after 17 years of not going there at all it was as gentle an easing back as I could ever have dreamt. I am an impatient person much of the time, once i am certain of something I see no reason for delay and I would have loved to have gone as deep as my Master would allow. I felt so safe and protected with my Master that although I have no wish to feel his anger, part of me begged to feel his strength. Part of me was crying out for him to take me where I have been so frightened to go. To use that paddle that he had fastened to his belt, to explore some of my limits far more than he did.

But then, my Master is my life. We have a lifetime ahead of us to explore each other and maybe that first week needed to be just about a remembrance of lifetimes past and an affirmation of that promise…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well yes, I have been avoiding putting how I felt about that week into words. All except the general stuff anyway. I have been wanting – needing to write it for a while, yet it feels so intensely private I have gotten tongue tied about saying things even to my Master – which sort of is the reason I am writing it out lol. I may struggle sometimes to post what I write, but it is rare for me to struggle writing it in the first place!

Oh,  and to explain to you all, there was a slight ‘natural’ complication thanks to the ash cloud delay… when I flew I was halfway through a monthly period. Bloody marvelous eh? Literally.  

Hmm. procrastinating again aren’t I?

Okay.

Going to the airport and the flights.

Well, I hardly slept the night before, I was excited, nervous, and anxious… everything that I know any normal, sane person in the same position would be feeling. I got up at 5am, well; I should say I decided to turn the alarm clock off before it went off. By 6am when my lift turned up I had drunk two coffees, got dressed, had a smoke and was anxious to get off!  The flights… well, as the plane left the runway in the UK I cried. I surprised myself; I do not know where those tears came from, yet as the plane left the runway, I couldn’t stay them. Landing in Philadelphia and swapping planes was hard, I had done half of the journey, I had landed in the US and the humidity was like walking into a wall of steam; and I was very anxious for the journey to end. 15 hr flights are tolerable as I discovered…  I started to cry again as the plane touched down in Denver also.  Yes Master, I know I had not told you that yet, but although the planes were delayed at both airports, I did have to spend a few moments pulling myself together and staying those damn tears before walking to where you were waiting.

Going from the airport and that first night.

I had only just pulled myself together and started walking again when I saw Master waiting for me. Funny how I knew exactly where to look for him, *smiles* it was a homecoming in every sense of the word. to feel his arms around me that first time in the airport; that first embrace… any remaining doubts and fears that existed disappeared for me in that single moment. it was hard to not touch, be in physical contact my Master in some way for even a second, and I don’t mean that in any sexual way at all; just from the moment he hugged me inside that airport to not to be in contact with him in some way felt like…it felt like he was the stabilizing force in my world and without that contact I was spinning out of control – my vision shook.

We had a smoke while we waited for the bus outside and once on it Master headed for the back seats, which made me smile… it’s a long time since I sat on the back seat of a bus… but it sure was worth it being on that dark back seat hidden from everyone else! Master kept teasing me constantly on that journey and I kept teasing him, I do not think that it is possible for there to be winners or losers in love, but if one of us had the upper hand in making the other squirm; I would say my Master won without question! It was a very delightful and erotic experience to be tentatively exploring my Masters body on that journey knowing it was public so it had to be hidden, we had to keep our need somewhat in check, yet feeling my Masters need so clearly and intimately beneath his clothes and that I was the cause.

 At one point, one of the buses was very warm and full – I was glad to get off that one as I felt so sick with the heat, but eventually we got back to Master’s apartment. One of the special memories of that bus though was being nestled in my Masters arms and feeling so protected and sheltered from everything.
 

At the apartment what should have been the time for nerves and awkwardness, for me was not. As my Master pointed out to me at the time, I was exhausted (28 hrs straight tend to do that) and I do not know if that shut down those nerves. Regardless, those moments we shared before sleep were breathtaking and perfect. To be able to touch my Masters body, kiss him and kneel at his feet was a very precious moment. To feel his hand wrapped deep in my hair as my tongue and lips explored and tasted my Master; to close my eyes, feel so loved and desired, aroused and exposed, needy , needed and exceedingly owned.  It is somewhat beyond words to try to put exactly how I felt about that intimate act. It feels almost like to be precise would be trivializing or debasing it.  All I can say is that first physically private moment with my Master felt so natural, so right, so …binding. I use binding for a reason; that is what it felt like; the physical melding and re-binding together of some part of our souls for the first time in this lifetime.  

 Master said I had to sleep afterwards, that it had been a long day for both of us…. yet during the night, I am unsure just how much either of us slept. It felt so right to be in his arms, it felt like I had finally come home and during that first night when we should have been sleeping, we made love twice, both times spontaneous in need for each other, both times Master taking and claiming my ass.

 If I were writing this for my eyes alone, I would describe how perfect my Master felt in my ass, how no Man could ever compare to him in my eyes in all ways, but in particular sexually how totally perfect he felt within my body. How to feel him entering my ass, feel him  stretching me, filling me… to feel his raw passion without control and to feel that in such an intensely sensitive place.. How my Master sent me to heaven wrapped in his arms so many times, to feel those orgasms rise within me over again and not be able to stay them. How the next day and the day after, my ass felt very bruised and sore yet that only aroused me more, knowing his passion and need of me was the cause. Moreover, in knowing that my own feral need and hunger for him was matched in every way.

 The next day, waking up in my Masters arms, gazing into his eyes and seeing my soul mate and twin flame laid aside me as I awoke was bliss. Every morning being able to watch him as he dozed and let my eyes drink in every line and hard contour of his stunning body, the shape of his jaw line, the flow of his lips, his expressive and gorgeous eyes was a pleasure beyond words.

 A few random magical moments in time.

*smiles* I know if I cannot get the next few bits in order so I am not going to try. I don’t have total recall on many things; I don’t have a photographic memory like one of my friends who annoys me with it on a regular basis! Nevertheless.

 Being sat relaxing on my Master’s kitchen floor listening to music and curled up against his legs as he stroked my hair.

 Feeling my Master behind me and his arms wrapped around my waist as I made coffee those many times.

 Feeling his body close to mine on the balcony when we had a smoke

Listening to music and singing along without being self-conscious that someone other than blood kin was there.

 Being in the shower with my Master and nearly flooding the bathroom (…oops lol) then being told to get in on my own every time afterwards so it did not happen again (…sulks)

 Curled up at my Master feet those many times as we watched TV, feeling his hands in my hair…then the hairbrush! It was such a simple act yet so relaxing and comforting.

 Taking a walk around the park and seeing cherry blossom, the smells of the pines and the lilac that was blooming along with the cherry blossom was wonderful.

 Master picking some of the blossoms and putting it in my phone book so it came home with me .

 That tree trunk…   

 Messing about with a camera (and webcam….)

 Attempting to not call baseball “rounders”.

 Attempting to understand the rules of baseball, or the unique culture it has (warning – culture shock overload)…

 Being laughed at and told off for saying I didn’t need sun screen, after finding out I got sun burnt through jeans – and that was the minor patch, the others were much worse…

 Those bloody big mountains… did I mention the mountains? They were huge! And everywhere… pesky things… and big… bloody big… have I mentioned them? The mountains that is?

 That huge blush on Master when my mum said, “well, everything’s big in America dear” and I agreed quite openly without any hesitation, thereby twisting the meaning…

 The two most precious moments to me.

It was all special and all precious, every single moment I was with my Master felt like an affirmation, a remembrance of who we were to each other.  It is hard to think of one part that was more special than the rest, but two moments are unique and rise above everything else. Two moments that not only defined  and affirmed for me who I am, but also were breathtakingly magical, special and have the same … I am lost for words………… As a mum, the first time I held my boys was a moment filled with immense unconditional love, happiness and joy; a moment that is etched on my heart, soul and mind indelibly for the rest of my life. That is how I feel about these two moments.

 1.    Making love fully that first time.

Master has said something a few times now to me about what he felt himself to be before I came and what he feels now… that before I came he was an inexperienced lover and now he is experienced. I don’t agree at all. Some things, especially that, either comes naturally or has to be learned and I do not think what Master says has any relevance. I say this not out of lack of respect, but because I feel it in my heart and I hope I can explain why I feel that here.

I have slept with many men in my past. I didn’t think I would ever be ashamed to say that until now. Now I have spent that time with my Master. He is the one I was born for, was meant for, was meant to belong to in all ways and now I find that in some ways I regret my past because I feel unclean because of it. I didn’t until that week, but I do now. Anyway.

To take that time to explore and tease, to leave fully making love for a few days had me craving and to the point of begging for my Master to take that last place. Then Master taking his time and being able to explore each other before feeling my Master  slide into my cove… to feel him fit so perfectly in every single way inside me, to feel my Master take his time, his body fitting flawlessly against mine, to feel his hard masculine body against my soft one. And no, it wasn’t the making love of an inexperienced lover, it was a Man who intuitively knew my body, knew my responses… knew my soul. It was not awkward, as I know oftentimes it is for that first occasion, Master didn’t feel unnatural there, as I have felt on occasions before with others. It felt to me as if his body was meant to fit so naturally to mine.

I don’t know if it was all of the above or that it felt like time had stopped for that act of union. Never in my life has that act felt so spiritual, so earth shattering. It felt like my soul was soaring high above me, as if our souls had finally become whole again, rejoined. I felt clearly my Master soul wrap around mine, wrap around my body and I didn’t want it to end; yet when it did it had lasted no more nor no less than it needed to for both of us. 

Some time after, when we were outside having a smoke, I felt so shaky, as if my world had tilted on its axis. Yet I could feel his soul encompassing mine. It felt like I was cocooned inside and out by my Master and if I still my thoughts even today, I can still feel that cocoon as strong and as clearly as then.

2.     Master’s collar.

Over and over again that week I could not deny my urge to kneel or sit at my Masters feet. I think the shock and realization of how deeply I felt for my Master even though it was the first week we had spent physically together is still affecting me now. I could do no less than kneel to him unbidden the many times I did, the urge and compulsion to do so I cannot describe. I am certain though that other kajirae out there will know that feeling well. It sits in the pit of your belly… maybe it is part of the slave fire within me, maybe it is that itself. A long time ago I knelt to another, I can say now it was nothing like what I feel kneeling at my Masters feet. That was out of duty, of proper conduct, and good behaviour. None of those I could give as reasons for me kneeling to my Masters feet. I kneel there because I have a compulsion to, I have an innate need that I cannot help but obey. Yes, if he told me to kneel I would without hesitation, that is a given.

I was knelt at my Master’s feet as he stood in front of me; I was cuddled close to his body and yes, very quiet. It is hard to speak when you feel love for a person so keenly that it overwhelms you. Master told me to stay where I was and went out of the room, when he came back he was holding a silver necklace with a silver padlock attached to it. When he attached it to my neck, I cannot describe how I felt – how I still feel every evening when I reattach that padlock to the necklace and feel its weight. To look into my Masters eyes knowing that I was owned fully by him and he felt me worthy of wearing his collar; not one of those Velcro online collars that are tantamount to a bit of harmless fun or escapism, but His collar, very real and tangible and filled with the promises our souls made lifetimes ago.

After when he was sat in his chair and he was asking me what I felt, all I could say was that I was scared, yet blissfully happy. Happy because the view from where I was knelt was almost exact to the dream I have had so many times of that moment. Happy because of what was implied within that act; within me wearing his collar. Happy because I know and see and feel my Master’s integrity, honesty and strength of character so clearly, that I know in my heart and soul that the symbol of that collar contained a vow on both our parts. 

Scared because the weight of all that hit me at once.  I am still scared to a certain extent. It is one vow and promise I could never break and the uncertainty I feel when I think of how the next 12 – 18 months will pan out – and I cannot see how it could happen…. and that is what scares me. I make a decision at work and I immediately plan out how to get from point A to B.  It is not my place to do that in this relationship and that frightens me as I don’t know what is to come – I cannot see an end.

The letter

Master wrote a letter to me and allowed me to read it while I was there on his computer. I feel like the whole week was one revelation after another, it seemed just when my emotions steadied from one revelation, another one crept up and smacked me from behind. Rebirth was a very apt word for that week, Master. I am no longer the person I was, I am the person he want me to be, I am who I am.  The letter shook me. Reading it and seeing my own heart in those words, words my own soul has been crying out into the night for so long. I could not speak, I could not even cry…

 Master held me for a long time afterwards, cuddled close and reassuring me, stroking my hair and murmuring in my ear. I needed that.  I needed that contact with him; I needed it as a drowning man needs a rock to cling to. The defining words for me that Master spoke on so many occasions while I was there were “the only place you have to hide is in my arms”. It is true; and now I miss those arms so much it sometimes feels unbearable.

Master wrote it out by hand before I flew and yes, he added a postscript. The postscript had me in tears almost all the way to Philadelphia . Now, I read that letter every night. I know I have a new ritual to be done every evening… That letter answers the question I have to contemplate and I don’t say that as a cop out to not contemplating the question, but because it affirms the answer every time. 

The noticed change.

I have had a stressful past three weeks with events at home, this last week being distressing to extremes, but the changes in me have been noticed by others, mainly that I am calmer, happier and that I appear to have a light within me that radiates to all around me. One astute work colleague said “You’re in Love. I can tell. So… when you two getting married?” I laughed and allegedly blushed, to which she took it as an affirmative and pranced around the office like the deranged mental patient we all love and know her to be. At the same time I was cringing because she told EVERYBODY who was there that I was “in lurve with a sexy American” before sitting back down at the side of me, straightening her face and saying “so, I take it he is good in bed then, hmm?”

 The main change I have noticed was a lot more subtle and one I don’t want to write about, yet know I need to.  Three/four days ago I went onto my yahoo profile. I needed to alter some things there and as usual on the right hand side, my connections were shown. The Kurrus alias was there within the first few and it caught my eye. For the first time since before Christmas I clicked on it to take me to the profile page. There, lined up were the connections associated with that “person” and it stunned me to feel nothing in that regard. I avoid seeing that profile page – and name, like the plague. In the past to see that name upset me, let alone to see those connections, no matter how many times I told myself not to be so stupid.  Yet to see it a few days ago and feel nothing was a shock to me. To see those connections and to click on one to jump to another’s profile page – and still not feel anything….

 I am still trying to get my head around that change, but I do know it is since that week. From what I feel about it right now as I try to work it through, is that I don’t care anymore – I am not them; my Master’s relationship with me has progressed beyond online in every sense and promises have been made that if kept, means our relationship will be r/l 24/7 in the future.  I am not a loner, although I like my own company. I have a lot of family surrounding me and a few close friends whom I am blessed with. I have two boys to keep my hands full on a fairly regular basis. I speak to two other female slaves online and then there is my Master, for whom everything stops!  I don’t need distractions, I have too many. Yet I know my Master is an almost opposite from me in this regard.  I cannot really understand what it is that has changed, yet I couldn’t care less if he had 300 online kajirae, or 3. I know my Master and I love him… Offline. I know that the Man I speak to online is the same wonderful, sexy dominant beast of a Man that I spent a first week with. I know that I am the only one who sees his soul. I know I am the only one who knows him intimately in every sense.  I have nothing to be upset about… and that is where my fears also come in.  I don’t understand why it no longer upsets me to see that name on my profile or to see that profile or the others linked to it. I don’t understand.

Then everything else falls around me, in the bleak moments when I doubt everything and as Master says – I don’t feel worthy of his love. Master has dealt with so much that any lesser man would have walked away from, yet he hasn’t. I am humbled by his love and I cannot help but love him with all that I am – another fear! I have never loved this deeply, this keenly, to this breadth. It frightens me when I know there is nothing to be frightened of. I am learning to shake those fears away better now. It gets easier each time to make myself remember that it is only a fear of the unknown, which is transient and nothing more.

 Only one fear I cannot shake no matter how hard I try.

The fear of losing my Master.

I have never been as certain about anything in my life as I am about my life belonging to my Master, about Him being my world and my life mate.  To feel his arms around me, that perfect fit; those wonderful, breathtakingly make-you-go-weak-at-the-knees kisses; those gorgeous blue eyes that make my heart skip…  Yeah… and all the rest of it, which right now for me is intensely private – probably because I am still trying to process how someone can take me to heaven on earth over and over again, leaving my heart and mind soaring and filled with such unconditional love.  

Yep. Master has made me mushy!
You wanna know what? I don’t give a damn.

He is the hottest, sexiest, drop dead gorgeous, wiggly-arsed, 100% red blooded Male I know!
(and he tastes pretty damn good too….)

Master also has me using a word that I avoid using like the plague as well, but I cannot think of another word to describe so well how I feel. I am proud to wear his collar, his necklace and padlock.  Yes, I am owned, I am owned by a Man whom I love with all my heart and soul. A Man that is showing me a depth to love that I never knew existed.  A Man I am proud to be owned by, proud to call ‘my Master’; a Man that as I am watching him write just now, I cannot imagine being apart from.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday
I am at the airport now, cleared security and am waiting to board the flight leaving DEN.  I don’t want to leave. Yet I am torn – I do – I want to be with my boys and after 8 days I am missing them like crazy. I have what will surmount to be almost a full day travelling. The travelling doesn’t bother me, being apart from my Master does. It hurt badly to let go of his hand in order to go through security. It hurt like hell to see him watching me as I passed through it, knowing he could not come with me to see me on the plane.  It looks like I have a good 15 or so hour to contemplate how on Gods earth I will live without him for these next few months.  I know I must do so at least temporary, because the boys need me, they need their mum – it’s just mum needs her heart and that resides here in Denver, 4500 miles away by the time I get home.

Okay, now I am waiting in Philadelphia. I spent most of the flight between DEN and PHL reading and re-reading my Masters words, those he wrote in that letter yesterday. I could swear that I have felt his arms surrounding me for most of that flight, felt him rocking me. I pray to God that I am able to feel his arms around me soon; able to kneel and nestle at his feet as I have done for a full week.

It seems to have hit me hard this week, the realisation that ‘home’ is not a physical, tangible place where you reside and conduct day-to-day activities. Home is the place you feel complete, relaxed and whole. Maybe for some that is a tangible place and if it is I congratulate them, I envy them. My home is with my Master, wherever he may be. I cannot pin that down to a physical place anymore, except in the sense that it is where he is physically. All I know is that the further from him I travel the more it hurts and I have 8 hours left in order to get my head in gear and hide this hurt so that the boys do not see it.

Master, I love you more than I could ever describe. My heart, soul, mind and body are yours.  I was born for you and I will do whatever you will let me, in order to be with you. This is our time, in this lifetime.  

I love you.

am tired, but very very happy… needless to say, not much sleep happened last night, but one thing i can say.

I love my Master with all my heart and soul

and the point of life is?…………………..

I can do without this. I fly tomorrow to see my Master.
What the hell do I do if it doesnt clear?

Eyjafjallajoekull

via BBC News – Icelandic volcanic ash alert grounds UK flights.

As in hthe herd of butterflies in my stomach is fast turning into a stampede of elephants…

Good nerves though…. I’m excited. On Friday I fly to be with my Master for a week.

Can’t wait. Just wish these nerves would go away!

My family seems to have accepted now that I am going to spend a week with him. They know nothing of the dynamics there within the relationship, they only know he is a Man that I like a lot, that I am going to stay with for a week and maybe or maybe not will be someone with whom a relationship develops further with. I prefer for them to know only that at this moment in time. With my divorce progressing now, a date has been set for the decree nisi and God willing I should be officially single again by my birthday in June. I hope so.

Each day I feel more relaxed, happier in myself and now looking forward in life. Yes, I have serious issues developing with my soon to be ex and his not-bothered attitude to seeing his own flesh and blood. It is upsetting to me to deal with two young children whom think of their dad as their hero. To have to deal with the eldest crying four times last week because he misses his dad I think is one of the hardest things I have done, made harder because his dad is developing a Scarlet Pimpernell complex just now. Best freind has been a mine of advice and tips though and after I get back from spending a week with my Master, quite a few of the suggestions best freind has made will be coming into effect. The main one being I will no longer act as a protector to his image in the boys eyes. If he let’s them down, I see no reason to make excuses for him any more, however harsh that may sound. I had to laugh, my freind went through a bad divorce and has two children of his own, his ex making it extremely difficult for him to see his children. His words of wisdom yesterday to me were “stop being a silly cow and start putting boundaries down, it would have been fantastic if I could have divorced you instead of her. You are being far too soft”.

I will deal with that when I get back. In the meantime I am finding it difficult to sleep now because of nerves and excitment of counting down the days til I see my Master. Nerves and excitment at being able to drop the facade I am having to keep in place for everyone. Nerves and excitment at living if only for 7 days in a 24/7 M/s environment. Nerves at my reaction to being apart from my boys for 7 days. Nerves at having to leave my Master afterwards.

I suppose my biggest bug at the moment is no longer what will happen when I am with my Master; the last post, however reluctant I was to write it seems to have taken that fear away. ( Oh and a big thanks to my friend kajirareflections as well). My biggest bug now is how to deal with being apart from my hearts home once those 7 days and nights end. That rabbit hole is going to get deeper in that time and I have a feeling that it may be by a mile or two, not a few feet.

I need to take each day at a time… I sure as hell am curious as to the next 12 months though.

I love you Master.