my Master has set me this assignment to explore after having a little blip in my emotional state.
hey, now that is a polite way of putting it eh? “slight blip”….. hmmm.
Anyway, I seem to be having real problems getting this one out on paper so it looks like I will be apologising now for the rambles before they start. With a bit of luck I may just manage to scrape by and answer the question…. or completely miss the mark. Regardless of whether answered or not, it looks like the only way I am going to be able to get this thing down on paper is by being personal… more personal than I am actually comfortable with.
I am the youngest – and the only girl of four siblings… 11 years younger than the youngest of my brothers and trust me that is both a huge blessing and a life sentence combined. Growing up was great with them, how can it be bad with them looking out for you all the time lol? A very stable, loving, expressive, family life …and then there was the hospital.
Now that sort of changes things doesn’t it? Can you seriously imagine what it is like having to watch your child go through a multitude of invasive and very painful tests, procedures and (so far) 10 operations, 8 of which were seriously major surgery? Don’t get me wrong, but my brothers were way too young to take any responsibility and my father used to faint at the sight of a needle… so hey ho and off mother goes having to be the incredibly strong, determined, strict one… the one that has to deal with all the shit. The one that I very clearly remember on one occasion had to hold my head still while a stomach pump was used on a three year old because she needed emergency surgery… and at the same time trying to calm me and tell me that everything would be okay, that it would only be uncomfortable for a little while and I needed to be strong for just a little longer.
and there it is… that word
Dad was great, I used to sit on his lap or at his feet and he used to cuddle me or stroke my hair for hours – but he never once came into the pre op room. Brothers were great, they used to cuddle up to me, read stories to me as I was learning to read, try to soothe me and take away the pain which was almost constant until mid teens. Mum was fantastic too and my rock. Without her I would not have survived or be the person I am today.
Do you know how you get a young child through that without too many emotional scars?…. You tell them that they need to be strong. That no matter the situation, the pain, that there is always someone in the world worse off than you. That the best thing to do is to blank your mind, switch off, dampen it down and just ride the storm. It will all end eventually. That the current test they are doing (again), that has tubes going in where you really don’t want tubes without anaesthesia… where various injections and bloods are done on a weekly basis – will be over quickly if you are calm, so just take a deep breath and calm yourself down. BUT…. don’t forget (and I need to stress that this was never ever said)… but never forget… Never show how much it hurts. Never show that you feel you can’t damn well cope with the pain. Never say you have pee’d yourself at the thought of going through that test again for the 6th time this year. Never ask for help. Never show your fear. Because when your family is wanting and willing you to survive and doing EVERY. SINGLE. THING. in their power to ease your suffering… it is the last straw for you to see the pain on their faces because they are helpless to take it away or suffer it for you.
Try turning that around – that adults perception of those words “BE STRONG” that has been carved and indelibly inked into every single cell in your body. Try to learn and accept that if you feel you need help you have a duty to inform your Master. That it is not only his right to know, but he wants to know. Try to get it through your thick skull that it is OKAY to need help sometimes. That it is OKAY to feel weak and unable to cope. That it is exactly why you are kajira, and why He is your Master. because it is okay …it is acceptable …it is demanded of you.
I have a huge, huge problem in asking for help in even the smallest of things, but that becomes a major dead end when it comes to personal emotions. I would rather close down, switch off and stop feeling before asking anyone for help dealing with something… not when I am attached to my emotions and cannot switch them off … and that seems to be the latest challenge.
The challenge of opening up, of admitting weakness, of asking for help from my Master and saying if I cannot cope. As kajirae we can deny our Masters nothing and this element – this blip is just one little part of the whole me. I have my brain telling me that it is okay to speak up, it is my duty. That if I don’t I am denying him access to part of who I am – and that hurts not only Him whom I lay my trust in, but it hurts me, because I am not allowing myself to trust fully… Then there is that ingrained part of me that will fight tooth and nail. With every single fibre of my being to protect the ones I love and God knows exactly how much I love my Master and souls twin… but still the war rages on, fighting to not feel his disappointment, his hurt… that I have let him down by not coping… or is it letting him down by not saying?
And that is my weakness.
I cannot ask for help easily.
Even when I am bound and expected to
Even when to not do so I risk losing what I strive so fiercely to protect…
I apologised earlier for how this was going to look. I need to again, because it has not exactly come close to answering the question set… although I am sure it will have answered a few other questions along the way. If I am lucky my Master will lock this post so I don’t have to face it… but that is avoidance isn’t it?
A quick note from Master Aeros: We all strive to overcome what “blips” arise in our lives. Fortunately both my kajira and I have both have this same problem. Yet I have for the most part overcame this problem. And through helping her ask for help, I am also helping myself to open up and admitting the times where I need help. So as I have stated in the excerpt, it is a difficult path but one that has many rewards should you take it.